


Of Sunspots and Warm Coffee

by felinesandbeanies



Series: First, a gun shot [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Panic Attacks, hints of dark themes, will update tags along the way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-31 05:11:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8565340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felinesandbeanies/pseuds/felinesandbeanies
Summary: “I am really just that smart and charming,” Alexander grinned. He got a better look at Freckles at that point in time. He had curly hair that Alexander wanted to plow down with his fingers and crow’s feet that he thought were nice. “By the way, what’s your name?”“John Laurens,” he replied, hand out.or Alexander is already a complicated character as it is but he ends up trusting the best friend of the man he's sleeping with anyway.   Semi-mirror fic of Of Bedroommates and Cold Coffee





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a semi-mirror fic. It may not follow the timeline in the other fic but I will still add the same scenes in this fic just with more action and stuff since Alexander is very complicated.

**Day one**

Alexander Hamilton liked control in every sense of the word. He liked sticking to routines and he liked knowing that he was somewhat dominant. It isn’t because he’s an asshole or anything similar to that nature but it’s because of a past experience he’d rather not say--not yet. Alexander considered himself, to some extent, as a man like Edgar Allan Poe (but less sad and southern with more facial hair).

Alexander Hamilton liked control so when there’s a man who suddenly cuts him off mid-speech, he feels something snap within him. It’s not like he has anger issues, he just hates people who cut him off and for a good reason but that’s a story for another time. “Excuse me?”

The bald man grunted. “I’d prefer it if you kept your opinions to yourself.”

It was a morning class and he had no time for this bullshit.

“What you said is an opinion in itself, but you still chose to say it anyway,” Alexander said frowning. He recognized the man as someone called ‘Aaron Burr’, the guy he met at the bursar’s office. “A bit hypocritical, don’t you think?”

Burr clicked his tongue, eyes becoming slits. “Watch your tongue, Hamilton.”

“If you had told our founding fathers to _‘watch their tongue’_ then you wouldn’t even be enjoying your freedom,” Alexander said, crossing his arms. “They fought, killed, and died for our freedom--our human rights. In article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights it is said and I quote, _everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; yet not every one receives it. This right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, rece--”_

“I get it,” Burr sneered, sitting back down. Alexander smiled triumphantly and continued what was so rudely taken from him.

Alexander liked talking, he loved talking. He was not always confident. Once upon a time, he was that man curled up on a corner; he wanted to make himself smaller and then hoped for his disappearance. There was one point in his life wherein he wanted to just give up. What was there for him? Was was left for him? His mom died, his father left, his cousin killed himself and after...he doesn’t like talking about certain things that happened ‘after’.

He went from orphanage to orphanage, transferred due to attitude problems when it was only because he was rather small and easily bullied. He believed that if he didn’t fight back, things would get better. He was, of course, wrong. But, despite everything, he managed to fall in love.

 _ _Love.__ Perhaps. He was a tad bit too young for such a word, but he knew that it was love. It had to be.

At the age of 14, he was taken in by Martha Dandridge, a widow, and she loved him with every fiber of her being. She was a sweet woman who made sure to wake up at ungodly hours to make him breakfast and she also taught him how to play the piano and speak French. She was the single light in his life--the light in the dark place called ‘after’. He knew she didn’t deserve to see the darkest trenches of his soul so he decided to handle everything by himself.

 

_Martha looked at him with worry. “Honey, are those...bruises?”_

_Alexander looked down, nonchalant. “I just recently got interested in biking and I’m not the most careful child out there.”_

_“Do be careful, Alex. You make me worry, I thought you were being bullied.”_

_“Is it wrong?”_

_“To hurt someone? Of course. There is no reason to.” And if it was their own fault? He doesn’t ask, merely nods._

 

At age 15, he started seeing the school’s guidance counsellor. He chose his words carefully because he knew of the loophole in their policy of confidentiality. The counsellor, clever man he was, picked up on this fairly quickly. On his third week of visitation, the counsellor had given him a notebook and urged him to write.

 

_Write about what?_

_Anything._

At age 15, he found his passion for writing and even reading. His favorite book is ‘The Little Prince’ and he had no idea why but he loved it. At age 15, on his way to the library, he witnessed a protest and he found out that voices _can_ be heard and that they all had the right to speak out without fear. At age 15, he started to have a private blog. His source of happiness was the _ping!_ he received whenever someone liked or commented on a post he wrote. 

But even then, he was empty.

Alexander Hamilton is very self-aware and he knew he needed help. He started packing lunches so he doesn’t have to spend his money, he saved every penny given to him. A punch of gratefulness would touch his heart whenever he saw forgotten money on the ground; it was the only time he believed in a higher being. At age 16, when he saved enough money, he brought himself to group talks. It helped. He slowly regained footing. He was strong.

At age 17, he snapped again and Martha found out so he had to take a break from school. Martha found out about Alexander’s detailed past--the dreaded prologue of ‘after’-- and found out about how his mind actually worked. She loved him. But she also found the space to love another man, George Washington. Alexander, young and impressionable, saw a man who shined like gold with an aura that held honor.

George Washington was an inspiration to him. The man talked about politics all the time, passion lacing every word that he said. Honestly, Alexander only asked what the ‘writ of habeas corpus’ was and George sprung out about it in great detail. Alexander was immediately interested. After a week, they began pointless debates--pointless because they were always on the same side and there was no point in it. George Washington never interrupted him when he talked and he never gave him those patronizing looks he was used to. 

He _supported_ him.

 

_Alexander closed the ‘World Politics’ book George lent him. “I think I’ll take up law”_

_The words were out and he was afraid that Washington might laugh at him and discourage him. “Honestly, I’d be surprised if you didn’t.”_

_“You support my decision?”_

_“Only if you’re sure about it.”_

_“I’m sure.” And it was the first decision he was very sure about, first decision to have ever been supported by people who loved him--people that actually loved him._ _He thinks the tingle in his chest was a feeling he has never felt before--gratitude._

 

“Hi,” an accent laced voice said.

Alexander looked up from his notebook and smiled. “Hi, I take it you’re going to defend Burr?”

The boy snorted. “I--I wouldn’t do such a thing, _mon ami_. He is---was--is?--was being a dumb baguette as per usual.”

Alexander grinned. “I’m Alexander Hamilton.”

“W--uh--would you like the short or the long version of my name?” The boy grinned, eyes shining. Alexander picked ‘long’. “I’m--I--I’m Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de La Fayette, Marquis de La Fayette.”

Alexander whistled. “Wow. I’d like to say all those but maybe I’ll just interchange it every once in awhile.”

“Interchange?”

“Yeah, Marie.”

“ _God_. Can’t you just call me ‘Laf’?”

“Sure, Gilbert.”

Lafayette snorted. “You are very lucky that you’re cute.”

The compliment made him feel nothing. It bothers him that that is the only reaction he is capable of when it comes to compliments. “Am I?”

“Coffee?” Lafayette asked.

“Sure.”

 

 

 

 

**Three days later**

 

Alexander found out that Lafayette was very intellectual and also very attractive. He spoke in both english and french when he found out that Alexander actually knew how to talk in french. He’s never seen anyone light up so much at the fact that he knew another language. They talked about numerous things, political views to Greek mythology--odd range but why not? When was Alexander ever normal?

They seemed to have clicked quite easily and, again, Alexander Hamilton is not stupid; he knew what Lafayette wanted from him. He wasn’t exactly promiscuous, but he had his fair share of one night stands-- _protected_ one night stands. And if Lafayette’s soft touches and smirks were anything to go by then...

“You offend me,” Lafayette frowned.

“I’m sorry, Roch,” Alexander said, shivering. “I just really don’t like eating snails.”

“You...You uncultured swine!”

A snort. “Did you just really quote Toy Story?”

“It’s a very great movie.”

“Bet you cried at the ending.”

“Could you blame me? They were in a _furnace_.”

Alexander laughed. “Okay, fine. I concede.”

“You--” Lafayette’s eyes flickered towards the window. “John!”

Alexander whipped his head to see _oh, how..._ a boy with dishevelled hair and so many freckles. The boy stormed past the coffee shop window, obviously in a rush to get somewhere. “Who was that?”

“A friend of mine,” Lafayette said. “I bet he’s late for his class. He’s an oaf.”

Alexander wanted to say something, but sipped on his coffee instead. “I’m bisexual, by the way.”

“Okay,” Lafayette nodded. “Thank you for telling me it’s a bit out of the blue but still thank you. I’m pansexual.”

“I just wanted to get that out of the way in case you didn’t want to sleep with someone bisexual,” Alexander shrugged.

Lafayette gave him a wolfish grin. “I’d have thought you’d be more conservative.”

Alexander snorted. “Me? Conservative?”

“Point,” Lafayette nodded. “Are you looking for something serious?”

“Not at all.”

Lafayette breathed out a sigh of relief. “Thank god.”

“I take it you aren’t either?” Alexander chuckled. “I only have a few conditions.”

“Conditions, huh?” Lafayette smirked. “I’m listening.”

“One, I top.”

“I prefer that.”

“Two, I don’t kiss mouths.”

A shrug. “As long as you kiss me somewhere else.”

“Three, I don’t cuddle or do whatever the hell kind of romantic rituals after the sex.”

“I hate cuddling afterwards, it’s sticky.” Lafayette took a sip from his drink.

“Four, it has to be somewhere that isn’t in my place because there are children in that boarding house I stay in.”

“It’s a deal, Alex.”

“Oh, look at us,” Alexander grinned. “Two consenting adults. Thank you for not making this difficult.”

Lafayette gave him a quizzical look. “What’s so difficult about those rules?”

“One guy agreed but insisted that I bottom and I just--” Alexander shivered. “No. _No._.”

“I see. I have one condition.”

Alexander glanced up from his drink. “Yeah?” _Don’t be into BDSM._

“Don’t fall in love with me,” Lafayette said, crossing his legs and winking.

Alexander has never laughed so hard in his life.

 

 

**Half a week**

 

“Wait,” Lafayette said, literally when Alexander was about to enter.

“Lafayette, I hate edging,” Alexander grunted, trembling with anticipation. “ _Seriously._ ”

“If someone with freckles knocks on the door just let him in even if it’s in an, how say, ungodly hour,” Lafayette said, too casual for someone who was white knuckling the bed sheets. “He’ll just take over the couch or something.”

“Okay,” Alexander said through gritted teeth. “Now let _me_ in.”

 

 

 

Alexander was pretty sure he blacked out after all of _that_. The feeling of Lafayette still lingered, taut skin, back clawed down, and oh the hair whipping he had to endure (worth it). It’s been awhile since he’s last touched another person or let anyone, for that matter, touch him. And _wow_ he was out of shape. He really needed to start running with his legs again and not just his mouth.

He looked over to his side, greeted with the sight of Lafayette with hair all over the place, mouth slightly ajar, and quite completely naked. He thought that he snored cutely, but also mercilessly. Alexander peeled himself off of the sheets, making a bee-line for the bathroom. He needed to work on numerous things, but he can’t do that when he smelled of bread, coffee, and sex.

Where was his shirt?

_Nevermind._

He stalked towards the living, grabbing his backpack along the way, then sat down on the floor. He laid all his materials on the table, sighing in relief when he opened his laptop. He just felt a bit safer with his laptop open. Another sigh of relief when he heard the sounds of typing. He loved it.

There were a lot of things he had to do, books to read and articles to publish. And you know what? He’ll do everything all at the same time because he’s Alexander Hamilton. He’s happy--sort of. He’s made it through so many things and yet somehow there’s this thing he wants to have, but can’t. It’s infuriating because he can’t seem to figure out what it was. He knows it won’t ‘complete’ him per se it will only satisfy him.

A knock.

_Ugh._

“Since when did you start locking your--” A pause. “You’re not Laf.”

_Starlight freckles._

“I’m not,” Alexander said, giving him a lazy smile. He may or may not have realized that he answered the door while he was shirtless. Well, shit. “He is asleep.”

The boy, freckles, enters the room stiffly. Alexander figured that it might be because he was shirtless. What was his name? J...J-what? “Sorry, I didn’t know he had someone over. Am I intruding?”

“It hardly matters since he is snoring mercilessly,” Alexander said, shrugging. He saw a random sweater and slipped it on. It was a bit long on him and he immediately knew it was Lafayette’s sweater. “And he said that I should let “freckles” in if he should knock at a ‘how you say...ungodly hour?’”

Freckles merely gave him a ‘wtf’ look. “I just needed to crash somewhere, I’m too tired to go home.”

Alexander hummed in comprehension before walking past him to sit on the floor in front of the coffee table that had sheets of paper and wrinkled dog-eared books strewn across it. There may be a guest but he’ll still work because he had a lot of due dates piling up. Honestly, damn his Type A personality. Now, where was he?

Freckles made a show of diving into the couch behind Alexander and if he were to be any more relaxed, Alexander was sure that the boy would moan. “Are you going to use the couch?”

“Maybe later,” Alexander quipped. “Would you like me to turn the lights off?”

There is a noise of shuffling behind him. “Mmm no.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodmm.” And Alexander smiled.

He had three articles due in a month and he need to get it done or his name isn’t Alexander. One of the articles he was writing about was white feminism and how it worked, _maybe_ adding in pictures of Taylor Swift here and there. He did not hate Taylor Swift _that_ much, it was impossible to hate her when Lafayette would sing ‘Bad Blood’ over and over and over again.

Another article is about racism because...why not? Alexander believed that everyone, at some point, can be racist. He distinctly remembers a time wherein he has this huge hatred for white people because _who the hell would ever support Trump?_ but he’s learned that hating them will do him no good especially if he lived on their historically stolen land.

A whimper.

Alexander lost all train of thought. He looked behind him to see the boy all curled up while snoring and drooling. He frowned, he realized that it was rather cold in this apartment and that the boy was slightly shivering. Alexander bounded towards the cabinets and the first blanket he saw was a plain black one; it was supposed to be the one he’ll get, but at the bottom of the pile there was a blanket with stars on it. He _had_ to get it.

_Starlight freckle._

He draped the blanket over the sleeping boy who further curled into himself, a soft smile making it’s way to his lips. Alexander resumed working.

Alexander was also writing about terrorism, what with the attacks of ISIS recently. Apparently, there were still comments saying that if you are Muslim then you are, undeniably, a terrorist which is not only stupid but also untrue. People on some stupid app called ‘Vine’ were also doing public scares by dressing up as ‘Muslims’ and dropping ‘bombs’ in front of strangers.

The world is stupid.

He checked his emails and, sure enough, there was another article request.

 

**We would like to request of you, if possible, to write about a--**

 

He tells them a direct ‘no’ and resumes with his other articles. He wasn’t sure how long he was working, but pretty soon the sunlight was glaring at him and the birds were chirping. What were they so happy about? It’s just another day and he’s surprised he even lived through it. He doesn’t need to live through--doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to kill himself, but he doesn’t see the point of living either. He writes and then...and then what? 

 _No, Alexander._  

He wasn’t happy, but he was content with what he currently had and he had to remind himself that everyday. He had Martha and George, blogs to write about, and a shit ton of things he needed to do--only _he_ can do. Alexander always went from hyperactive to totally pessimistic during 11PM-7AM and it really was a frustrating schedule to have. 

“Good morning,” a voice grumbled. Lafayette was at the doorway, rubbing his eyes.

Alexander smiled. “Morning.”

“I see you made a friend,” Lafayette laughed.

“Shit company he is,” Alexander quipped. “I hope you don’t mind, I kinda used your blankets.”

“For both of you?” Lafayette asked.

“No, just him.”

“Sweet of you since he gets sick easily,” Lafayette said. “I’m making omelettes.”

Alexander frowned. “Won’t you make French toast?”

“You had French toast last night,” Lafayette said absentmindedly.

He snorted. “Right. Funny.” Then an idea hit him. “Cheese in my omelettes?” Alexander said, hopeful.

“Of course, _mon petit lion_ ,” Lafayette hummed.

Alexander gave him a questioning gaze. “That’s new.”

“It’s my revenge for you using my whole name,” he huffed.”

“I only use parts of it, Joseph,” Alexander corrected.

Lafayette groaned. “You’re horrible.”

“Can’t be that horrible, Paul” Alexander winked.

Lafayette look at him stoically. “Right. Shower is over there.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Alexander said, shutting his laptop.

“Hey, Alex.” And that tone was different. It wasn’t joking.

Alexander turned around. “Lafayette.”

“Would it be alright if I introduced you to my friends?” Lafayette asked, nervous but his eyes were showing excitement. “I know that we sleep together and all but I’d also love to be friends. I know you’d fit in with us.” Us being who?

“I’ve never had a group of friends before,” Alexander admitted. The Schuyler sisters/siblings were an exception, they were never like a group.“I don’t have...experience.”

“It’s fine,” Lafayette giggled. “It’s not a job.”

“Why not?” Alexander grinned.

The moment Alexander stepped into the bathroom, he didn’t know what to do. The shower must be some kind of alien technology bullshit because he can’t seem to figure it out and he’d rather die than admit that. Too _hot_. Oh, fuck--too _cold_. What was this knob? Satan? It would have burned his nipples off if he didn’t step back fast enough. He was Alexander Hamilton, a scholar, a dean’s lister and the smartest---

“Laf, your shower is making my head combust,” he said, defeated. “If this burns my ass, I will sue you.”

Lafayette rolled his eyes. “And I thought you were the smartest man to ever exist, _mon petit lion._ ”

Alexander groaned and shut the door. He’d rather shiver to oblivion than have nipple transplant or burnt butt cheeks.

Freeze his ass off it is.

 

 

 

 

“I may have high GPAs but your shower just makes me feels like I don’t deserve to be a fucking Dean’s Lister,” Alexander grumbled, sitting down next to Freckles.

“Oh look at me I’m Alexander Hamilton and I get high grades by sucking up to George Washington,” Lafayette said in a high pitched mocking tone.

Alexander rolled his eyes. “I do not sound like that.”

“So you’re admitting to sucking up to Washington?” Freckles joked. Alexander failed to mention that he was maybe a little bit related to George Washington, but to be fair he had asked George not to act like they were well acquainted.

“I am really just that smart and charming,” Alexander grinned. He got a better look at Freckles at that point in time. He had curly hair that Alexander wanted to plow down with his fingers and crow’s feet that he thought were nice. “By the way, what’s your name?”

“John Laurens,” he replied, hand out.

Alexander took it. “Alexander. Alexander Hamilton.”

“Alexander,” John says, trying it out.

Alexander couldn’t help but smile. “You can call me ‘Alex’ if you would like.” Then, an afterthought. “Or “Zander” or whatever.”

“I call dibs on petit lion,” Lafayette said.

“As if anyone else would call dibs on that,” Alexander said, rolling his eyes for the umpteenth time. “I swear Joseph.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Don’t call you what, Gilbert?”

“That too.”

“Okay, Marie.” Lafayette groaned. “At least I have half a mind to even know your name, Roch.”

John laughed. “Oh my god.”

“You find this funny?!” Lafayette exclaimed. “I should have you know, John Laurens of Columbia University pre-med and an advocate of black lives matter and free the turtles, that this is not funny.”

 _Black lives matter?_ So this man liked things he was passionate about.

“Black lives matter?” Alexander questioned, turning to him. John gave a nod. “There’s a protest this weekend. Do you want to come?”

Lafayette sighed loudly. “And I go ignored.”

“I’d love to,” John replied. “That means of course I’ll have to finish my papers. Fuck.”

_He writes?_

Alexander sat straight. “Papers?”

“Oh, here we go.”

John looked at Lafayette, confused. “What?”

 Alexander felt himself buzz. “I’m actually in love with writing, it’s practically my first love. I actually started writing when I was 15 and then I started a few mediocre blogs. Have you heard of The Movement?--” John nods his head. “--I run that and it’s practically my child, well along with four other ones. I’ve written about LGBTQ+ a lot, but how can I not? I’m a proud member of the community. I think that was the first time I’ve screamed so loud; Pride makes you do things you don’t normally do. I once threw a pie at some homophobic tampon but it was great.”

John was still listening to him and Alexander knew that he was because his eyes weren’t all glossed over just like--just like?--Lafayette was listening to him too even though he already knew about half the things he was talking about. He also feels himself talk about his double major, to test them. He loved talking about his double major because, of course, politics but he also knew that no one would pay attention to that.

 

But they did.

 

And what about debate?

 

They nodded along.

 

They were listening.

 

His voice mattered?

 

“Fucking asshole homophobic prick who stole my green megaphone during Pride...”

“There are other megaphones in the world.”

“You don’t understand, Marquis. It was green.”

And it was easy. This thing that they were going to have seemed to start off easy and he wondered why and how come? This feeling is...

“Hey, about last night...”

“What about it, _mon petit lion_?”

“You should tie your hair next time, I think I managed to eat some.”

_“Casse Toi.”_

Alexander feels light for a moment or two as he stared at both of these men. He’s just met them and it’s a ridiculous notion, but he feels a certain change he’s only ever felt when he met George Washington. It’s not new but it’s also definitely different. This is a--what the fuck was this?

He frowned when he saw that John was zoning out.

“John, your coffee's getting cold,” Alexander pointed out, hoping that he wouldn’t waste such a magnificent liquid.

Lafayette snorted. “He likes cold coffee.”

“I am not having this discussion again,” John sighed, taking a sip of his already lukewarm coffee.

 _Excuse me?_ Alexander eyed him cautiously. “You...I don’t trust men like you.”

John almost choked on his drink when he snorted out a laugh. “Men like me? Charmingly freckled and drools in my sleep.”

“Yes” Alexander said, tilting his chin up. “Men exactly like you.”

 

His days muddled up after that.

 

* * *

**Three words.**

_Big. Red. Megaphone._  

“Equality!” He shouted, loving how he made himself deaf. The energy of the crowd was astonishing and very contagious. He felt himself just vibrate with optimism and confidence. If there was a table around here, he would stand on it. He feels himself talk more but he’s not aware of what he’s saying anymore. He just knows it’s right.

It’s been a while since he’s been to something like this, he’s been so absorbed with work and thinking about project after project after project that it almost took a toll on his health. He didn’t want Martha or George to support him, he’s only living on what he earned from his writing and the compensation food Martha gives him every week. How can he say no to Martha’s home baked coconut cream pie?

“Alex!” Lafayette called, arm slung over a much taller man. “I want you to meet someone.”

Alexander grinned, sticking his hand out. “Hi, I’m Alexander Hamilton.

“Hercules Mulligan,” the man said, taking his hand. “Call me Herc or Mulligan, just not a disney character. Also, can I borrow your megaphone?”

Alexander grinned. “Know how to use it?”

“Oh _fuck_ yeah, dude.”

Surprisingly, Lafayette was the most tamed out of all of them, only going as far to join John in his escapades. John wore a cape that had an equal sign on it and he was going around and challenging people to a freestyle rap and words flowed fluidly from him as if it was water on rock. Hercules had his voice booming, Alexander pegged him as quiet but he wasn’t--not one bit.

He heard Lafayette laugh and say how ridiculous he was while John just yelled loudly, eyes alight and smile just as bright. He wandered around the crowd, greeting people he already met during previous parades and protests and he loved how he can just remember their names so quickly.

 

 

Hi, Madeline.

Alex!

 

 

“I’m hungry,” Lafayette whined.

Hercules snorted. “In this crowd, we might lose each other and my battery’s about to die.”

Alexander waved his hand dismissively. “We won’t.”

They began to make their way out of the crowd and he tried to keep his eyes on the freckles on John’s neck. _Don’t lose them_. A rather tall looking man bumps into his shoulder roughly, enough to bruise. Alexander turns to glare at the man’s back and he would have yelled if he wasn’t following...

“Lafayette?” He said, frowning when he realized that he lost them. Where were they? Did they not even turn back to see if he was following? Did they even set a place to go to? He doesn’t even know how to go back home from here. Oh _god_.

 

 

**Step 1: Look for something familiar**

  * Nothing.
  * No one.
  * _Someone, come find me._  



**Step 2: 5 Senses**

  * The smell of sweat.
  * The taste of blood from biting his lip.
  * The sound of laughing from the girls in front of him. 
  * The feeling of his nails digging into his palm.
  * The sight of white converse, illustration boards, black skin, people with sandwiches and--



 

_Starlight freckles._

 

“Alexander,” John said. “I thought we’ve lost you.”

Alexander laughed, forgetting how he was practically on the brink of panic just a few seconds ago. “I shouldn’t have glared at someone and lost focus.”

John snorted. “Of course you would.”

Alexander gave him a sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

“Can I hold your hand?” John asked. “So we won’t be separated.”

“I--what?”

“Is it alright if I hold your hand?”

“Do you have to ask that?”

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, okay.” John gently took his hand and led him to the right direction. Why did he have to hold him so gently? “You should really moisturize more.”

John laughed. “Well I’m _sorry_ , Mr. my-mom-buys-me-Aveeno.”

“It’s good for your skin!” Alexander argued.

John looked back at him, all fond smiles and twinkling eyes. “You’re amusing.”

“I know,” Alexander huffed. “Where are you taking me?”

“There’s this 70s themed place with milkshakes. I love milkshakes. I’d sing about them if I can.”

 _Wow, you’re so passionate about milkshakes_. “I bet you’re just excited because there’s a coffee flavored milkshake and it’s just you wanting a proper excuse for cold coffee.”

John gave him a pout. “I like cold coffee. Oh come on even Ed Sheeran’s lover liked it. _She likes cold coffee in the morning_.”

Alexander could have sworn that he just had a spasm at a certain thought.

“Well if we’re going to base it on hit songs.”

“Our life is predicted by hit songs.”

“I’m more of a Bohemian Rhapsody kind of guy.”

“Just don’t tell Laf or we’ll be forced to have karaoke night.”

“Oh, well, of course.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may be the worst one since I have been busy lately and it triggered a writer's block. I swear I tried to squeeze out every drop of inspiration in this chapter and it just...it just won't. I'll do better!

**From: Sunspots**   
I’m dying, Alexander

 

**To: Sunspots**  
Don’t be so melodramatic

 

**From: Sunspots**  
But I am

 

**To: Sunspots**  
What happened this time?

 

**From: Sunspots**   
I forgot the tenth element 

 

**To: Sunspots**  
Neon, right?

 

**From: Sunspots**  
Honestly, fuck you.

 

**To: Sunspots**  
Aw, come on. You adore me.

 

**From: Sunspots**  
I am going to fail Chemistry. Fuckingwsfk

 

**To: Sunspots**  
Do you want me to make you coffee?

 

**From: Sunspots**  
I DON’T NEED YOUR COMFORT

 

**To: Sunspots**  
Cold coffee

 

**From: Sunspots**  
BAH!

 

**To: Sunspots**  
With marshmallows

 

**From: Sunspots**  
2 bigs ones and 2 small ones?

 

**To: Sunspots**  
2 bigs ones and 2 small ones

 

**From: Sunspots**  
Eh

 

**To: Sunspots**  
I also have coconut cream pie with me

 

**From: Sunspots**  
Ugh, a man after my heart. Be there after I wallow in self-pity!

 

**To: Sunspots**  
So....10 minutes?

 

**From: Sunspots**  
Yeh

* * *

“I hate him,” Alexander groaned, slamming the door of John’s apartment. “Ugh, honestly.” 

“And the door probably hates you too,” John snorted, appearing from the kitchen with two mugs. “Coffee?” 

“Thanks, sugar,” Alexander winked. John rolled his eyes at his new nickname but Alexander smiled triumphantly when John broke into a chuckle. “Three sugars--”

“Black with a hint of cinnamon,” John continued. “I know, I know.” 

Alexander beamed at him. “Truly, you must be after my heart.”

“Incessant flirting will get you nowhere,” John sighed, walking past him to sit on the couch. “You in the mood for Family Guy?” 

“Always,” Alexander said, sitting on the floor next to the couch. 

John sighed, lying supine on the couch and placing his mug on the floor. “Tell me about your day.” 

“ _Burr_ ,” Alexander said, eyes becoming slits. “Catcalling is not something to even be discussed! It’s disgusting.” 

“Discussed-ting,” John chuckled. 

“Exac-- _ugh_ your puns,” Alexander groaned. “But come on, John, no one deserves to be catcalled. And why is he like that? Why does have to side with the winning team just because they’re winning? Doesn’t he have a mind of his own?” 

“His opinion is not to have an opinion,” John shrugged. “Quite annoying.” 

“Why aren’t you mad?” Alexander said. “You’re always mad!” 

John snorted. “You’re the one who’s always mad, Alexander. Anyway, I spiked my coffee.” 

“Because?” Alexander inquired.

John shrugged, a huge frown on his face. “My dad’s a dickhead. I’m pretty stressed out, my mom even warned me about hair fall.”

“Ah,” Alexander hummed. Should he ask? Should he change the topic? “My dad, my real dad, wasn’t exactly ideal too. Ah, well.” He raises his mug. “Cheers?” 

“Cheers,” John said, laughing weakly.

They sat in silence, letting the TV drone. Alexander wasn’t really paying much attention, mostly just absent mindedly raking down the carpet with his fingernails. His thoughts wander around a lot and today was no exception. He wanted to say something but also nothing at all. What can he say? _Ah, I’m an orphan._

John hummed. “I’m glad you’re opening up even just a bit. I don’t even know your favorite color.”

“It’s green,” Alexander replied quickly. “And you?” 

“Orange.” 

Alexander gave him a weird look. “No one ever likes orange.” 

“It’s a good color,” John pouted. “Do you like green because those are the color of the elves?” 

“Hate you,” Alexander said. 

He liked the color green because back when he was a child, his mother would always wear her favorite green sunday dress and would twirl around. The dress would follow her movements and bounce. It was probably the only thing that made his mother happy, that dress. Also, he liked the color green because it reminded him of life and the meadow he once ran in as he screamed out of pure joy and frustration. 

“Hey, let’s set boundaries,” John said, out of the blue. 

Boundaries? 

John nodded. “Yeah. Boundaries. I always set boundaries with my friends because I don’t want to overstep. For example, Lafayette doesn’t want me to comment on his english.” 

“Okay?” Alexander said, a bit unsure. 

“What do you not want me to talk about or point or something, anything that can set you off,” John rambled. 

Perhaps, everything. 

“I don’t like it when people shut me up or interrupt me,” Alexander said, chewing on his bottom lip. “And I don’t like bringing up my past...if that’s alright.” 

“It’s al--”

Alexander suddenly turned towards John, worried. “I mean I’ll try to share, but I...”

“I won’t force you to do anything that you don’t want, Alexander,” John said, his smile gentle. “And I’d never interrupt you because, honestly, I could listen talk to you all day. What you talk about has substance and isn’t just mindless bullshit. I don’t mind it when you talk. You’re rather charming.”

Alexander wants to pull John’s attention away from him. “And you?” 

“Me? Oh,” John began to think. “I’m a pretty chill guy. I just hate bigotry and I don’t like my nose or my chicken legs.” 

It took a while for that to register in Alexander’s head. Usually, when someone points out their own flaws that’s the only time Alexander starts to see the flaws but he just couldn’t see what John had described. “Oh, okay.” 

“Okay, enough sap,” John said. “Did you know that you can kill someone by dropping a coin from the top of the Eiffel tower?” 

“Do you want to pay for Burr’s plane ticket to Paris?”

“And what? End up with reclusion perpetua? Probably not.” 

“Might be fun.” 

“Yeah...no.”

* * *

“So what is it with you and not cuddling?” 

Alexander sighed, rolling his head to the side so that he’s looking at Lafayette. “This isn’t exactly my ideal kind of pillow talk.” 

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Lafayette shrugged, lazily pulling his hair into his usual ponytail. 

“Let’s just say that I’m not a really big fan of intimate touches,” Alexander said. “It’s nothing dark or dramatic, I just feel really prickly when someone touches me like that.” 

“And you can handle sex?” Lafayette asked, curious. 

“It’s platonic,” Alexander shrugged. “And I top so...” 

“Ah,” Lafayette hummed. 

“If you’re getting bored of me...” 

“It’s nothing like that, _mon petit lion_ ,” Lafayette said, cutting him off. “I promise. It’s just my curiosity.” 

“Ah.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Did you know that you don’t really look at me when you come?” Alexander said. 

“Alexander, what the fuck.” 

“Well if we’re talking about curiosity here,” he shrugged. 

“Not _that_ ,” Lafayette groaned. “Anyway, what are we going to do for our project?”

“Such sex pillow talk indeed,” Alexander agreed. “Well let’s just rent out a small time courthouse and shoot a video there. It won’t be that hard.” 

“Alright alright.” A pause. “No romance at all?” 

“Gilbert, I swear.” 

“Fine, fine.” 

“We’re home!” A voice called out followed by the sound of the door slamming open. It was Hercules. “And we brought doughnuts!”

“My fucking diet,” Lafayette hissed, sitting up to wear clothes anyway. “And this is MY HOUSE!”

A loud snort--most likely John--was heard. “Laf, it might as well be all ours.” 

“Coming?” Lafayette huffed. 

Alexander nodded, standing up. “Too lazy to wear a shirt.” 

As Alexander went out the door, he caught John’s eye; the man merely smiled at him and motioned for him to go dig in the doughnut box. “It’s still warm.” 

“You reek of sex,” Hercules whined. “Jesus.”

Lafayette roughly swallowed down his doughnut. “Jealous, _mon ami_?” 

“I’m good, I’m good,” Hercules replied, waving his hand dismissively. 

Alexander tuned out their little argument, it was always them fight flirting and he’s gotten very used to it. It’s nothing new. He, instead, focused on how this doughnut is apparently cream filled and he can’t save the filling without making a total fool of himself. Someone could have warned him about this creamy hell, but it tasted good so whatever...who cares?

“Enjoying yourself?” John asked, laughing. 

“Oh shut up,” Alexander grumbled, messily licking around and over his lips. “This is just uncivilized.”

John snorted. “Hey, it’s more delicious that way.”  
Alexander looked down at John’s doughnut and it was a simple mocha colored one with chocolate sprinkles. No filling. “Your doughnut kinda looks like you, freckles and stuff.” 

John laughed. “Must be a pretty unwanted doughnut then. No one likes these freckles. Did you know they’re also called sunspots?”

Alexander gave him an incredulous look. “Huh?” 

“Yeah, sunspots.” 

“No I didn’t mean that, but you hate your freckles?” 

“I don’t hate them, but if I had a choice then I wouldn’t choose to have them.” 

“They look so nice on you,” Alexander said, the compliment is unfamiliar and it stumbles clumsily down his tongue. When had he last complimented someone in earnest? “Really, it does.” 

“Didn’t peg you as one of the cliche types,” John said, rolling his eyes. He smiled at him, genuine. “Thank you, Alexander.” 

They stood there in silence, eating their doughnuts. The silence made Alexander think of how he had just complimented someone and it’s something different because usually it means nothing to him. Alexander doesn’t receive compliments well either, he doesn’t like hearing any of it. He thinks that they are all rather useless. He knows what he is and there’s no need to point it out and put it on a pedestal. There are too many adjectives, he just wanted to be Alexander. 

Okay, did that make sense? 

He watched Lafayette throw his shirt on the couch, grumbling about how hot it was while Hercules scowled at him in all his hoodie wearing glory. Lafayette ignored him, bounding towards the windows and opening it.

“Something wrong?” 

“A bit cold but I’ll be fine,” Alexander shrugged. 

John gave him an unimpressed look. “Well who told you to be a martyr and go out of the room shirtless?” 

“Too lazy,” Alexander said, grabbing another doughnut. “Is there any coffee?” 

“In the paper bag,” John said, “Get me one too please and--” 

“Open the lid so it gets cooled down,” Alexander continued. “I know, John.” 

John’s eyes twinkled with mirth. They _twinkled_. “Ever the perceptive one.”

“Always,” Alexander quipped, taking a sip of his coffee. He shivered. “God, coffee can’t even save me right now.” 

“And here starts the complaining,” John smirked. 

Alexander placed a hand on his forehead as if he was a stereotypical damsel. “John, if I don’t make it out alive please promise me that you’ll take care of my babies.” 

Another unimpressed stare. “Babies?” 

“My blogs.” 

John laughed. “Oh _god_. Alexander, don’t be so melodramatic.”

“I am no--what are you doing?” 

“Just, here,” John said, throwing his sweater at him. “I’m feeling hot anyway.” 

“But--” 

“Laf, ready for me to beat you in Mario Kart?” 

“Oh you are so on, _Jonathan Laurens_ ,” Lafayette said. 

Alexander was left to stare down at the red fluffy sweater in his hands. Was this some kind of joke? He didn’t need any kind of charity. He gently let his thumb slide back and forth on the fabric. He didn’t want to give it back and offend John so he wore it anyway, the smell of sea salt and aftershave immediately engulfing him. What was this? He felt--

“Yo, Alex,” Hercules said. “You going to space out or watch John beat Lafayette’s ass?” 

“Let’s watch Joseph lose.” 

“Fuck all of you.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finals week be killing my soul. How are you?

Alexander Hamilton realized that it was easier to just study in John’s apartment rather than go to the library and get kicked or back at his boarding house where children would come to his room demanding attention. John didn’t seem to mind him, opting to just sit on his dining table with multiple books open and a headband tightly pressing down on his head. Alexander already asked why the hell it was so tight and John merely shrugged and said that it helped him concentrate. 

Okay, not the time to think about that. He seriously needs to find the damn book he thought he brought. Did he actually bring it or was he just imagining things again? He needed it for an essay and article and god help him because that book came from George Washington so he didn’t want to lose it. 

“John, have you seen my book with the black cover and gold lettering?” Alexander asked, throwing the cushion back down on the couch. “I can’t find it.” 

“It’s under the coffee table, on top of the magazines,” John said without looking up. 

“Thanks.”

It was silent for a moment and Alexander should really be typing down his debate research for a competition he had with Eliza and Angelica but, instead, he focuses on: how there are a pile of books near the TV stand and he knew it was all his, how John was ignoring his studies to make coffee and the boy knew just how he liked it, and how they’ve recorded The Big Bang Theory because it’s their favorite show to watch together. 

It was all so...domestic. He didn’t even do it with Lafayette or Eliza and yet John has managed to get out his inner-domestic side without even trying or asking. John was just John and he didn’t know how that could be. John was gentle and kept his distance and he smelled like sea salt and aftershave. Alexander, admittedly, never had a friend like him--more freckles than face and knew his way around Alexander without the chore of opening up or asking. 

The best part about this is that it was all pretty platonic so that meant that John wasn’t expecting any sort of commitment or any sort of contract in their friendship. It was just Alexander and that seemed to be enough for John or that’s what he assumed. The only reason why he’s hanging out a lot with John is because Lafayette was always out of his house and MIA while Hercules was locked in his studio sewing some orders for clients. And that left pre-med, almost always as busy as Alexander, John Laurens. 

“Here,” John said, sitting down in front of Alexander. He slid a steaming hot mug towards the man. “Thought that we should take a break.” 

Alexander really shouldn’t. He had shit ton of things to write. “Okay.” He closes the lid of his laptop. 

“What are you working on?” John asked, absentmindedly stirring his mug so the liquid would become cooler. 

Alexander shrugged. “Just a few essays and stuff.” 

“Didn’t you say they were due next month?” John said, eyebrows scrunching together.

“Yeah,” Alexander hummed. “Just wanted to get a headstart.” 

“Lafayette would probably just bullshit those,” John snorted. “Though he is rather smart when he’s cramming so it’s not really bullshit, more like....look at this shit.” 

Alexander faux-swooned. “Your way with words is phenomenal.” 

“Oh shush,” John laughed. 

“He’s a smart man, he’ll be fine.”

“Hey, how long before you took up his offer?” 

“About three days or something. I was already aware of his plan the moment he bought my coffee.” 

A snort. “You guys work fast.” 

“Time is money.” 

“What attracted you to him, anyhow?” John asked. “Besides your obviously strong libido.” 

“First of all, fuck you,” Alexander said. “Second...Well...” he trailed off. “He’s a smart man.” 

“Is that right?” John mused. Alexander cringed at his own repetition of ‘he’s a smart man’. “Is that what enticed you?” 

“He’s a beautiful man and that’s all I can say.”

“And what of the girl you flirted with last week?” Oh, yeah, he did flirt with a girl. What was her name? He can’t remember.

Alexander stared at him. “Are you keeping track?”

John shrugged. “Sure.” 

A sigh. “I like keeping things casual and loose.”

“Do commitments scare you?” 

“To be honest? Yeah.”

“Oh.”

And how does Alexander cope with how confused and disheartened John looked at the lack of honesty and trust he just portrayed. They were friends and, really, Alexander needs to open up more but he wasn’t ready. How should he put it without completely exposing himself? “Just...people aren’t gentle.”

“So nothing serious?” 

Alexander nodded. “Never anything serious.”

John nodded back. “Okay. I just don’t get how you get a lot of people to like you.” 

“Oh come on,” Alexander frowned. “I am very opinionated and protective and loving and very very charming.”

“I guess you are,” John smiled, finally taking a sip of coffee. 

Alexander pondered over those words for hours.

* * *

Alexander has forgotten how soft Eliza was, only reminded when she let her head drop to his shoulder. They were watching ‘The True Cost’ and it was a documentary about the bad side of having fast fashion exist in the world. It hit close to home because he knew what living in those conditions were like and to work for the sake of a few dollars--pennies, even--what hell would that be like?

“I regret wearing this shirt,” Eliza said.

Alexander snorted. “I’d say the same but I thrifted this. I should write about this documentary.”

“But--” Eliza sat up straight, scratching her head then pointing at the screen in disbelief. “ _Why?_ ”

“For the glory of satan, of course” Alexander quipped, earning a light glare from Eliza. “Glad we broke up?” 

“Of course,” Eliza said, leaning on the couch again. “I have a question about that?”

“Shoot.” 

“What if we met at the right time? What if I met you before or further after?” 

Alexander shrugged. “Maybe things would have been better.” 

“You weren’t ready,” Eliza sighed. “And I wasn’t capable of giving the things you needed.”

Alexander frowned, reaching out to hold Eliza’s hand. “You were enough.” 

Eliza gave him a sad smile. “But you needed a friend more than you needed a lover.” 

They used to date and it was the most flimsiest thing ever. Alexander was teetering between snapping and getting his shit together while Eliza didn’t know what the hell she should do whenever Alexander was in one of those moods. Alexander, coming to, realized that he should at least tell her what was going on with him. It was unfair to suddenly cuddle up to her then scream at her.

Eliza broke things off, vowing that she would be his friend and that it would help him if they weren’t romantically involved since that was where half the burden came from. He may have also cheated on her-- _we were on a break_ \-- and she may have already forgiven him but it’s best that they were really to remain platonic. Alexander realized that love came in such strange forms and that Eliza had so much love to offer.

 

“On the brightside, the sex was good.” 

“We were having a moment, Alex,” she groaned. “Damn you.” 

“Eh,” Alexander said, nose scrunching up. 

“Anyway,” Eliza said, sitting up. “I’ve found the prettiest girl. Her name is Maria and she has the prettiest name.” 

“That’s a pretty common name.” 

“The prettiest common name.”

Alexander snorted. “Alright. Have you talked to her?” 

“Me? Tell her that I’m attracted?” Eliza said, chuckling. “Perish the thought.”

“You want to just go around and fleet around the sidelines until she notices you, don’t you?” Alexander sighed. “Angelica is not around so she can’t introduce you to anyone... _again_.” 

Eliza groaned. “I’m hopeless. Alex, come on, introduce me to her or something.” 

“I don’t even know her,” Alexander said, rolling his eyes. “In time.” 

“Anyway, how have _you_ been,” Eliza said, waggling her eyebrows. 

“No romantic affiliations yet,” Alexander replied, bored

Eliza grinned. “Yet.” 

“Oh god,” Alexander groaned. “I am not going to have one anytime soon. Hey, Remi.” 

Remi Schuyler had just entered the room all young and glowing but at the same time seemingly furious. He flashed a small smile towards Alexander before glaring at his sister. “Are you kidding, sis? You ate my carefully labelled food?” 

Eliza gave him a sheepish smile. “Well, you can have some of my leftovers or chips?” 

Remi pointed an accusing finger at her. “You _know_ I can’t because I’m vegan, you carnivorous tampon.” 

“Did you just call your sister a tampon?” Alexander laughed. 

“Long story,” Eliza sighed. “Listen, Remi, I’ll buy you some groceries.” 

“Oh _no_ you don’t,” Remi said. “You’ll buy them and tell me that I should share them because you paid for them.” 

“Well what do you want me to do?” She asked, exasperated. “Puke out your vegan chicken?” 

“I’m going to take my leave,” Alexander said. “Thanks for the movie, Eliza. Bye, Remi.” 

Remi nodded in acknowledgement. “And one more thing, Betsey---” 

Remi was a good man and if Alexander didn’t date his sister then would have probably tried to date Remi. Well, he did have that one tiny fling with Angelica and then there’s Peggy. What is with him and the Schuyler siblings? He needed to just stop. 

His thoughts went back to Eliza’s excitement upon him (not really) agreeing to a romantic relationship with someone. Alexander was not one for romance, not really sure if he can even maintain one because relationships aren’t really his forte. He’s not sure if domesticity is something for him or even that much appealing. Honestly, he just doesn’t see himself leaving books lying around whilst cuddling or even holding someone’s hand for that matter. 

 

“Fuck fast fashion,” Alexander said, entering the Lafayette’s apartment and he felt like he had metaphorical lightning surrounding him with how spontaneously and aggressively he just burst in. 

Hercules looked up, seemed to be interested. “You’ve watched the documentary?”

“Yes,” the boy replied. “Eliza and I were watching Mulan and then she suggested watching that. What makes people think that they could make third world country citizens work under dangerous situations under low income and for what? A five dollar shirt from Forever 21? I am disgusted with how this world works.”

“You know how hard it is to make a shirt in the heat with god awful machinery and not enough food? Very fucking hard,” Hercules added. “They are even separated from their families just so could they make money sufficient enough for only half of a person.”

“I take it you had a good day?” John asked, smiling into his mug. 

“Very much so,” Alexander said. He grabbed John’s cup and took a sip, nose scrunching. It was, of course, the usual lukewarm coffee. It wasn’t that bad but he wasn’t going to admit that so he just remained quiet. He needed the coffee anyway.

Hercules snorted. “I’m surprised someone actually watched that and didn’t say the god awful ‘well someone has to make our clothes’ line. Where is their sense of humanity?”

John looked taken aback. “People actually think like that? Like actual people with a heart?”

“He has a heart,” Hercules said, munching on his beef jerky. Alexander wondered how someone could just chew and beat down beef jerky like that when he remembers having to fight it. “He’s vegan.”

Alexander stared at him blankly then let his shoulders sag in absolute defeat because humanity has escaped them. “Ugh people.”

“At the rate we’re going at I’m sure Alexander would have a few murders until I obtain residency,” John joked.

“You jest but you’re scared it might be true,” Alexander quipped, can’t quite help the nice comfy feeling that came whenever they bantered.

John shrugged. “True or not, you better tell all your future nemeses, god knows you’re the only one who has those, to look for a Dr. John Laurens while they are at the brink of bleeding to death.”

“No,” Alexander frowned, feigning betrayal. “You will not help any nemesis of mine.”

“A job is a job, Hamilton,” John argued, smirking. “Being biased won’t put food on the table.”

“I’ll even make the pretty hospital gowns for them,” Hercules added.

Alexander glared and pointed an accusing finger at both of them. “This friendship is a breath away from falling apart.” How many times has he threatened his friends with the eventual end of their relationship? 

At that moment, Lafayette literally waltzed in the room. “I just met the most beautiful woman.”

“You wound me,” Alexander deadpanned.

Lafayette gave him a ‘the fuck?’ look before he resumed being sparkly. “Her name is Margarita. Oh, that name.”

Alexander laughed, he remembered Peggy blushing at that name and how she insisted that she didn’t even look like a ‘Margarita’. “You mean Peggy? Peggy Schuyler?”

“You know her?” Lafayette asked.

“I dated her sister at one point,” Alexander shrugged, trying to look very chill about it. “What a small world.”

“The Schuylers? Wow, Alex.” Hercules whistled. “Which one?”

“Eliza,” Alexander replied, not really knowing why it mattered. “And it was just a flimsy two month thing.”

“Because?” John asked. Somehow, it felt wrong to answer that.

Alexander pursed his lips, calculating his next response. How should he put it? “We decided that we were better off as best friends.”

“I don’t think I have a chance with high class ladies,” John shrugged.

That felt awfully wrong to hear because it was John, caring and sea salt smelling John, so why not? “Why not? You are quite charming.”

“I’m gay,” John offered.

 

Oh.

 

_Oh._

Alexander smiled, then felt a little pang of defeated anger. “I’m ashamed that I didn’t figure that one out.”

“If it makes you feel better, I didn’t know up until a month of knowing him,” Hercules chimed in. “And up until then I’ve been setting him up with Martha.”

“Martha?” Alexander inquired.

John gave him a lazy smile. “Sweet girl, not my type.”

“Anyway,” Lafayette said in a tone of faux annoyance. “She is the funniest and most sarcastic little thing. She wore a yellow dress today and it made her eyes twinkle and oh my god I can’t.”

“I don’t get it,” Hercules grunted. “Do you want to date her or adopt her?”

Lafayette gave him a pointed glare. “Casse-toi, Mulligan.--” Alexander rolled his eyes, fluent in French and just not wanting to translate that for Hercules though it was obviously somewhat a slurr. “Can’t I admire a beautiful piece of art when it calls for admiration?”

“I’m just amused Gilbert didn’t freak her out what with him stammering around people he finds attractive,” Alexander smirked.

“God.” Lafayette groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. Alexander suppresses a laugh at the memory. “That was one time and it was because you were being pissy and intimidating?”

“Intimidating?” John barked out a laugh. “Have you seen how short he is?”

Alexander was about to argue-- _no, I am the darkness and I will destroy you with my political prowess_ \--but Hercules already cut him off. “He’s our little cinnamon roll.”

Alexander rolled his eyes. “This friendship will end soon--no don’t give me that look, Joseph--I swear to all of you.”

He jumps at Lafayette, attempting to run after him so he can give him a noogie. He could hear Hercules laugh from the couch while his eyes locked with John who simply gave him a fond smile. He wanted to know what it meant, itched to know why he always stared and smiled at him like that.

* * *

John fell asleep on the couch again and Alexander was on the floor in front of the coffee table, still a bit distracted but working nonetheless. He spun around when he heard a soft whimper. John was still drooling in his sleep, eyebrows knitted together as if he was thinking hard about what he should be dreaming about. Alexander was about to go back to work but he thought of something.

Would it burn?

He should just try.

He lifted his hand experimentally, hesitantly hovering it over John’s limp hand until he just finally decided to loosely tangle their fingers together. He expected the usual burning sensation he felt whenever someone held him but it didn’t come. He just felt a small thing and then it was normal. It was wrong for him to experiment on John whilst the man was asleep but he couldn’t help himself. If he were to react, he’d rather have the other one not see. 

He jumped when John unconsciously tightened the grip, unintelligently muttering some random words he could not quite understand. Alexander quickly retrieved his hand, clutching it near his chest. He knows that he’s held John’s hand before during the protest but this was different, this was more intimate and it was just them and he wasn’t ready for the response.

Alexander Hamilton knew, at that moment, how complicated he really was.

* * *

There is a storm and Alexander takes this chance to revisit the demons of the past. Basically, to put it light, death death death and even _more_ death including his own because he has imagined it so much that it almost feels like it’s a prophecy rather than just simple daydreaming and every time he imagines himself dying he sees Martha Washington’s face and feels so guilty he texts her to tell her that he loves her.

It doesn’t help that he wants to go home but is hindered by the fact that he was in the library and just _of all the damn days_. He pulls on the rubber band on his wrist and allows it to snap on his skin, a way for him to stay grounded and just not panic. He doesn’t want to panic, not in front of some people who sort of knew him. 

But the storm was relentless, rock hard raindrops pattering on the glass windows and he could have sworn that it would break and crash down on him if he stayed there for more than a second. Alexander was floating and, in turn, he doubles the speed of the snapping rubber band. He couldn’t make out the words in the book in front of him anymore. It was swirling all around and when this first happened he thought he had dyslexia. 

Oh, and, _great_ there is thunder and lightning. What an added bonus to his already doomed life. It makes him blurr all the sounds around him. Where was he again? He can’t seem to recognize the feeling and atmosphere. There’s just something wet and it’s hitting his skin. The rain has gotten in?

 

The rain got in.

 

He was drowning. 

 

_Help_. 

 

Someone. 

 

_Please._

And wasn’t he loud enough? No one seemed to notice. The thunder came again and it sounded somewhat like horse hooves hitting the rocky road and it was coming for him. There upon the ashen horse--

“Alexander. It’s me, John.,” a soft voice said. “You’re in the library and it’s seven on a Tuesday evening. You’re currently researching for an upcoming debate. It’s raining but it’s okay because you’re inside and you’re safe.” 

“John,” Alexander croaked.

John smiled slightly. “Hey, are you with me? Are you okay? Is it okay to touch you?”

 

_Touch._

 

No. 

 

Don’t.

 

Alexander nods so John places a gentle hand on the other man’s shoulder. It doesn’t even hurt. It was working, he was calming down. Why? Why? Why? “John.” 

“I’m right here,” John said and he said it so gently that it frustrated Alexander because why would he? 

“Talk to me,” Alexander said, desperate. He doesn’t care if John laughs or judges him, he just need to have control over himself. He hated losing control. 

“Well I just got here,” John said. “I was going to borrow some books about anatomy and also some technical drawing because I seemed to have forgotten how head angles worked or how to even do proportion. The technicality has been so lost to me and I know that there are certain art styles that makes use of disproportion but I just can’t seem to bring myself to not be able to draw proper proportions, you know? It’s ultimately enraging.” 

_...technicality has been so lost..._

Alexander tried to follow word per word, carefully and slowly until he was full on listening. John keeps talking and Alexander focuses on him, really really focuses on him until he is heavily grounded. Freckles...how many are there? Ten million stars on his face that formed so many constellations. Was--did he just see the big dipper? _Wow._ There is the slight stubble and the pretty white teeth. There is his nose that he wanted to boop. There is his voice.

“Alexander, did you know that Mcdonalds is out to kill us? Not that I’m a health nut and hell...”

“John, you force feed me salad sometimes,” Alexander deadpanned. “You are a health nut.”

John smiles at the banter. “Yeah well if you’re lying on the bed and obese, don’t come crawling back to me.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“How’d you know?” Alexander asked, sunrise making its way to them and seeping through the windows

John gives him a hum. “Hmm?” 

“You knew what to do,” Alexander said. “No one has ever managed to pull me out of it as quickly as you did.” 

John shrugged. “Psychology class and I’ve been reading a lot about things recently.” 

“Oh, alright,” Alexander said. 

“I’m glad you’re fine now,” John sighed, handing him his plate of eggs and bacon because it was morning and they deserved it after making their way to John’s apartment at 11PM when the storm subsided. 

“I’m afraid of storms.” And he waits for the other boy to laugh because he just stated something so stupidly obvious. He raises his head to see John smiling at him, all gentle and soft and caring. “What?” 

“Thanks for telling me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Christmas and I hope I finish this by then! (Doubt it). So what do you guys think?


	4. Chapter 4

**From: Sunspots**  
Would you care to join me?

 **To: Sunspots**  
Where?

 **From: Sunspots**  
A movement

 **To: Sunspots**  
You have caught my attention, Laurens

 **From: Sunspots**  
I just think that smiley faces deserve noses

 **To: Sunspots**  
What

 **From: Sunspots**  
#GiveNosesToTheSmileys

 **To: Sunspots**  
What??

 **From: Sunspots**  
From this :) to this :-). 

**To: Sunspots**  
I’m afraid I can’t support you on that

 **From: Sunspots**  
Why nottt??? :-(

 **To: Sunspots**  
Noses don’t even look good on them!

 **From: Sunspots**  
It doesn’t matter! They need to have noses! It is their right!

 **To: Sunspots**  
They just look more condescending than usual. What do they even need their noses for??

 **From: Sunspots**  
How would you feel if you didn’t have a nose?

 **To: Sunspots**  
I don’t nose

 **From: Sunspots**  
6/10 pun, it’s good. THEY DESERVE NOSES! #GiveNosesToTheSmileys 

**To: Sunspots**  
I refuse to accept that failing grade

 **From: Sunspots**  
:-)

* * *

It’s been a really stressful few days lately because of all the deadlines plus the other bullshit the school demanded and Alexander Hamilton was a Type A so he should really love drowning himself in his work but sometimes it can also get rather overwhelming. The thing about him is that he takes something that bothers him and bottles it up. Then another. Another. Another. Another. Another. Another.

_Boom._

“What is this?” Alexander screamed into the pillow, hand on his chest. 

Angelica and Eliza gave him a weird look. “Are you alright?” 

“Seriously? If I was okay I’d be helping you guys with the debate,” Alexander groaned. “Someone rip my fucking heart out.” 

Angelica snorted. “You’re being dramatic.”

“Hush now,” Eliza cooed, nearing Alexander and tracing random patterns on his back. “You’re alright.” 

“What is _this_ ,” Alexander hissed. “It’s so weird.” 

“Is it red?” Angelica asked. 

“More like yellow,” Alexander sighed, sitting up. “Whatever, I’ll be fine It’s probably just nothing.” 

“Maybe a heart burn,” Eliza said, rolling her eyes. “With all the goddamn coffee you’ve been drinking.” 

“You should really try tea,” Angelica said, flipping through her one hundred pages worth of debate research. 

“And ignore the fact that we were under British tyranny?” Alexander said, offended. “ _Never_.”

“We have got to let that go,” Eliza groaned. “Come _on_.”

“Hey,” Alexander snipped. “If I managed to catch Adam and Eve’s sin then so can the modernized Britain.” 

“He’s just snappy because wintermelon tea made him vomit,” Angelica sighed. “Prostitu--” 

“Wintermelon tea is vile!”

“--tion is the topic of our debate. This house believes that prostitution should be legalized.” 

Alexander frowned. “This is too easy.” 

“Tsk, we’re going to lose because of your temper and your disrespect for time not because of how stupid our points are,” Eliza said. She began to type in her laptop, probably some additional information about their discussion. 

They would often do this, team up for a debate. They used to jump from group to group, wondering why they couldn’t just create chemistry with the people they carefully chose but once they’ve formed this little group of theirs, they began to be unstoppable. Eliza would introduce, Angelica would give out their stances, and Alexander would give all their rebuttals and crush the opponent’s stances. 

It was all kind of violent, really. 

There was one time wherein the order was switched. Alexander would introduce while Eliza was the last, the rebuttal. Needless to say, they would lose. Eliza’s excuse was that the other team looked kind of pitiful so she eased up on one of her arguments. They lost. Alexander didn’t talk to her for a week but quickly melted when Eliza made him cookies and Angelica offered the switching of roles. This was, of course, before they had a formal club to join and before Eliza learned that it’s okay to be sweet but also an ass.

“Anyway, we need to legalize prostitution because it increases job opportunities as well as make the prostitution business safe from STDs. It will decrease the chances of STDs because, like any other businesses, they will conduct check ups on the employees and ensure safety,” Alexander said, while the two girls nodded. 

Eliza frowned. “And if they give us the religion argument?” 

“Not everyone is religious or believes in one thing,” Angelica said, bored. “Honestly, they should stop using that argument.” 

“Agreed,” Alexander hummed. “They can’t help it though.” 

“I _guess_ ,” Angelica conceded. 

Alexander was about to talk about something but it faded and was replaced by a spotty vision. What was happening? Everything was swooshing as if they were the waves in the ocean. Everything felt so fluid when it was supposed to be solid. He pat himself down, pat the table, clamped his hand shut until his fingers dug and penetrated his palms. Grounding. He needed to be grounded. Solid. Where was the solidity? 

“Alex,” Eliza said, worried. “Alex, are you alright?” 

Angelica disappeared somewhere. “Wait there.” 

Eliza stood and kneeled near Alexander. “Stay with me, Alex. You’re okay. Shit. Why are you so dumb.” 

“Thanks,” Alexander said weakly. 

Angelica threw a sandwich in his direction. “Take a bite. Eat.” 

“I’m not really--” Angelica gave him a look and so did Eliza. “Fine. Let’s not waste time though, continue the debate discussion.” 

“What a martyr.” 

“Once I finish this surprisingly good sandwich I will metaphorically hit you.”

* * *

Alexander is hollow today, can’t quite find himself within himself if that even made any sense. He is slipping, of course he is. He was much too happy for too long and to be high for so long meant a really hard crash. He can’t say that he didn’t see this coming, can just say that he’d rather be six feet under right now. Martha would kill him if he died though so he hesitates on that thought. 

It’s not like this was any different from his usual crash, it’s just this time he has half a mind to let himself be with someone even if it meant sitting in silence as the sewing machine clicked clacked in the background. He was in Hercules’ studio; Hercules was on his sewing machine, eyebrows knitted together as he repaired Lafayette’s favorite pair of jeans. Alexander was lying down on the floor, blankly staring at the ceiling. 

How did he get here?

He went to Hercules because he understood Alexander and he was silent. Lafayette would attempt to touch him or console him with sex or even cook him pancakes. John would probably coo around him and try to make everything better with his undivided attention. But Alexander hated attention, he hated it when he was upset. He just wanted to disappear without really disappearing and being with Hercules, who pays him no mind, makes him feel that way.

“I feel so empty,” Alexander says, fading. 

Hercules stopped for a moment then continued repairing the pants. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know,” he replied, rolling his head to the side to look at Hercules. “Nothing? Something? Both?” 

“Do you want me to call Lafayette?” 

“No.” 

“John?” 

“No.” He rolls his head back to look at the ceiling.

“Alright.” 

“Don’t you ever feel this way?” 

“Feel what?” 

“Empty? Dead? Hollow? Fading?” 

The sound of the machine stopped once again and there is light tapping, Alexander could tell that it was Hercules trying to think of his response. He was careful. “I do, but I won’t pretend that I completely comprehend what you’re going through.”

“I’ve sought out help before,” Alexander said. “It worked but it just left me with this on and off crash. I like to call it a crash.” 

“Won’t you feel better if you were with John?” Hercules asked. 

Alexander frowned. “He has nothing to do with how I feel and he doesn’t have a place here.” 

Here being where? 

Here being his---

“Alright.” Alright. He hears Hercules stand up and go to one of his drawers and the noise wasn’t that loud but it irritated Alexander anyway. He doesn’t show it, just hides within himself as if that was possible and tried to feel like he was absorbed into the hardwood floor. Hercules then nears him, placing a pen and paper beside his head. “You don’t want to talk, right? Write.” 

Alexander waits for Hercules to go back to his station before he lies prone on his front, hands familiar with the stiffness of the pen. He hasn’t written down his feelings in so long and he’s afraid where this might take him. He decides to not start with a greeting so as to avoid writing a note, _the_ note.

 

**I’m tired.**

**I don’t know why and I don’t know how it must be so. I’ve drank my coffee and my share of whiskey but I still feel like I’m hollow and I’m confused as to how this could be so. I’m not as pained anymore, I’m not thinking about it as much anymore. There are times that it comes back, the voices and all the things I should have forgotten but I have people to be around with. I don’t exactly open up to them but they’re there. Should I talk about the new ones?**

**Hercules is with me right now. He’s very understanding and he gives me space without giving off the pressuring vibe that forces me to share. Did you know that he looks silent but he can really murder a protest just by using a megaphone? He’s sewing Lafayette’s pants right now and I don’t want to tell him that it’s my fault it got ripped. We really shouldn’t try acrobatic things and I should have never believed Lafayette when he said he was flexible.**

**Lafayette, he’s the first one I met. I sleep with him and I’m glad he doesn’t force me into doing anything I do not want, he doesn’t touch me the way I hate to be touched which is good. He was the one who introduced me to them and I’m forever thankful for this. He makes me laugh in volumes I never thought possible. When he talks in French, it soothes me. I don’t know why. Perhaps, the unfamiliarity sets my anxiety off.**

**John is nice. He doesn’t know this but when he talks to someone, he uses this loud voice with an unapologetic lilt of sarcasm but when he talks to me he uses this gentle tone. I don’t know if it’s to mock me or what. I hope he knows I’m not fragile.**

**It hasn’t been that hard lately. I’ve been distracted by debates, essays, blogs, and friends. I have been taking care of myself or more like the Schuylers are making sure I’m taking care of myself. Where would I be without them? I’ll talk to you later, but I hope I never have to.**

****

 

Alexander slowly rises from the ground, chest aching from lying prone. He can see Hercules watching him through his peripheral vision. “I’m fine.” 

“Okay,” Hercules hums. He fully looks at Alexander when the man is slowly making his way to the door. “Where are you going?”

“There’s so much work to do.”

* * *

John was generally a nice guy. He was the type to buy food for the stray dogs he sees and remove his jacket to give it to a shivering Lafayette. He even memorizes everyone’s coffee mixture so that he always made it just right, only messing up if it was his own coffee. Alexander could tell that if he asked him to stop being with him, John would listen in favor of being a good friend.

And that’s what fucking annoyed Alexander the most.

Why did John keep doing that? Why did John have to do that? Why did he have to ask Alexander if something was okay to do or not? What did it matter? Can he not think for himself? Alexander wouldn’t really care--well he would but he won’t say anything. Why did John have to look at him with such burning eyes that held far more different emotions than the ones he’s become used to--the ones he’s always known. 

“What is wrong with you,” Alexander said. It didn’t sound like a question. The outburst was uncalled for because they were just in the cafeteria, concentrating on the books they’ve chosen to read.

John looked at him, confused. “What did I do?” 

“You keep asking me if this and that is okay,” Alexander hissed. “If it’s okay to hold my hand or if it’s okay to generally just be near me or just if anything’s okay with me. If you want to then just do it! Don’t you have a mind of your own?” 

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” John frowned. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize,” he huffed. “It doesn’t matter what I think.”

“Of course it does, Alexander.”

“It doesn’t, John. Stop asking me such useless things. It doesn’t matter if you suddenly grab hold of my hand in favor of leading me somewhere and it doesn’t matter if you are squished onto me because it’s crowded in the train. I don’t _care_. I don’t ma-- _It_ doesn’t matter.” 

“Alexander, are you okay?” 

And why did John keep using ‘Alexander’ instead of ‘Alex’? 

“I’m perfectly fine. I just hate how you’re treating me.”

“You hate the way I’m treating you?” John echoed, his blank face melting into that of annoyance. _Yes, be annoyed. React. Do something._ “I’m respecting your boundaries and you have the nerve to get mad at me for doing so?” 

What John said just shook Alexander into reality, literally pulling him back for a second to reflect on his sins. This was a stupid fight and John looked so indifferent and hurt. He should really stop this, should just apologize because it was his fault and-- 

“Respecting my boundaries?” A humorless laugh. “I don’t see what for.” 

John sighed. “You don’t see what for? Alexander, I’m not an asshole to ignore what you find to be out of line.” 

“You’re pulling arguments out of nowhere.” 

“I’m not.” 

“You don’t even know me.” 

“I know you enough.” 

“There is nothing wrong, John. I’m not that fucking fragile.” 

“I know you aren’t.” 

“Then why?” 

“Alexander.” 

“Tell me why you decide to fucking annoy me with such useless ques--” 

John gently but quickly slams his hand down on Alexander’s hand, the latter aggressively flinching due to unexpected contact. “Because of that. It’s because of _that_. I ask because you don’t like it when people touch you without warning. I don’t do this to mock you or to annoy you.” 

Alexander opens his mouth and closes it. John sees this, takes it as a sign to leave. He’s staring at John’s back and he realizes that the man didn’t even curse at him, didn’t even glare at him with so much spite that Alexander’s soul rattled. How could he have done that to such a good friend?

He feels bad.

Of course.

He always feels bad. 

 

 

 

He’s been trying to find John _everywhere_ after his last class. It was, of course, a pain in the ass to try and apologize to someone who did not have the same schedule as you. Lafayette is there beside him but he doesn’t quite hear what the man is talking about, only catches a few words here and there. Alexander thinks he’s talking about his new coconut scented shampoo. 

“Hey, do you happen to know where John is?” Alexander asked. 

Lafayette shrugged. “Probably studying somewhere. Text him.” 

_I can’t because I accidentally got mad at him for respecting my boundaries._ “Nah. Later.” 

“Alright,” Lafayette said. “Hey, go on ahead. I’ll just go have some alone time.” 

“Stressful week got to you too?” Alexander asked. 

“ _Oui._ ” 

It was really a stupid fight to have. Alexander was just so stressed that he immediately took the chance to get mad at everything and anything that stood in his way even if it meant getting mad at John. John who knew how to make his coffee, same John who got him out of an anxiety attack two times. This is why he didn’t want to have friends in the first place.

 

Alexander finds John in Lafayette’s apartment, face planted into a biology book as he drooled. He frowned, then disappeared in the kitchen and returns with a freshly brewed coffee. Coffee is, apparently, their thing now. He sits down on the floor next to John, gently placing the coffee near the boy. “Johnathan.” 

A groan. “Mmm.”

“Johnathan.”

“That’s not my name,” John groaned, raising his head; he gave Alexander a dopey smile. 

“You’ve got drool on your face,” he giggled. John hastily wiped the drool off of his face, an intense blush on his cheeks. 

John took a sip of his coffee, opting to ignore how Alexander just saw drool on his face. “Thanks.” 

“Hey, so...” Alexander fidgeted, biting his lower lip as he looked away. He hated apologizing. “Um.” 

John looks at him, amused. “Have I left you speechless with my drool and freckles.” 

Alexander snorted. “Oh, I am aware of your finer qualities. I can assure you that.” Then he deflated again. “John...” 

John gave him a gentle smile. “It’s fine, Alexander. I get it.” 

“I’m sorry.” It slips out easily, almost fluidly. “I didn’t mean to project. I’m just really stressed at the moment.” 

“I get it, I do,” John replied. 

“Thank you for...” he trails off again. Thank you for what? _For knowing. For understanding. For asking._ He couldn’t seem to say it. “For...” 

John gives him a light laugh. “Alexander, it’s okay.” 

And Alexander is frustrated with himself because he was Alexander Hamilton and the only thing he truly owned were his words so what would that make him if he can’t even voice out a simple thank you--BUT A THANK YOU FOR WHAT. He grinds his teeth together out of spite for himself. He reaches out to interlace his fingers with John’s and he gives the man a determined look.

John open and closes his mouth. “Oh.” He carefully folds his fingers so that it grazed Alexander’s knuckles. 

“Yeah,” Alexander huffed, blowing up the hair that fell on his face. “This is what I mean.” 

John smiled at him, blinding. “Oh.”

 

Alexander notices that the touch doesn’t burn.

* * *

**From: Sunspots**  
We just arrived! 

**To: Sunspots**  
Yay!

 **From:Sunspots**  
Nervous?

 **To: Sunspots**  
Stupid question

 **From: Sunspots**  
I’ll be sitting down a bit near you, find me! 

**To:Sunspots**  
Your hair is a dead give away

 **From: Sunspots**  
:-( 

**To: Sunspots**  
I’ll be sure to find you. Enjoy watching me win, Laurens. 

**From: Sunspots**  
:-)

 

Alexander rocks back and forth on his feet as he excitedly awaits for the host to finally fucking announce the debate and just call them up on stage. Angelica was rereading the notes on her phone, lips quirked up in concentration. Eliza was humming something and it may or may not be a Nicki Minaj song.

“...Columbia University!” 

Eliza is the first to go up, Angelica, then finally Alexander. He is momentarily blinded by the light but he didn’t mind. He was just happy to be filled with such a rush of adrenaline. He looks through the crowd and he immediately spots Peggy giving them two thumbs up, low key letting a ‘Go SchuMilton’ sign rest on her lap. 

Eliza snorted. “Oh my god.” 

“She promised she wouldn’t bring that sign,” Angelica said, rolling her eyes. 

“I kinda like it,” Alexander said, before taking a seat. He searches the crowd again, frustrated that he could not see La--Oh, there was Lafayette. He was eating some kind of candy inconspicuously. Alexander smiles widely when he catches John’s eyes among the crowd. John smiles back at him. 

The debate started.

The other team, as expected, went for the religion argument and he saw Angelica smirk at this. He knew that they all knew they would win this with no problem at all. He started to heavy handedly take down notes on his rebuttal, taking everything from the opponent’s speech and twisting around. He could hear Angelica clicking her tongue beside him as she, too, took down notes.

“This isn’t even a challenge,” Eliza frowned. “Why would they do that to themselves?” 

“Martyrdom?” Angelica shrugged. 

“Perhaps they want to impress you guys so they’re letting us win,” Alexander said. 

Angelica snorted. “Sis, if I you think I’m dating someone who doesn’t even put up a fight then bye.” 

Eliza whistled. “Sassy.” 

“Mhmm,” Alexander hummed. “Hey, you’re up.” He handed her a piece of paper. “Here.” 

Eliza did a quick scan of the paper, then gave him a nod before standing up. “I can do this.”

“Yes,” Alexander quietly cheered. He watched in awe as Eliza stood there front and center with her stance and posture positively vibrating confidence. God did he miss out the chance on ever marrying the best woman out there. He remembered how she practically shook on her first debate but the longer she trained with them, the straighter she stood. It was so amazing to watch her progress. It made him really proud of her. “ _Wow._.”

Angelica chuckled. “I know.” 

Eliza is practically singing as she talks, whisking away both Angelica and Alexander as well as the audience in front of them. She talks softly but proudly. There is a slight bounce to her feet as she talks, hands clasped in front of her in a relaxed position. She turns back, dress following her movements, and smiled at them as if she just won--they practically did already. Alexander squeezes her hand. “You did good, Betsey.” 

She blushed. “I do try.” 

Alexander focuses then, letting no information escape him. Encourage promiscuity and affairs? Religion? Immoral? He lists it all down. He only stops when Angelica taps him to indicate that it was his turn to deliver his speech. It was time. Alexander stood there, couldn’t help but smile as he did so. He felt like he had a place in this world whenever he stood in front of the mic to just voice out his side of the debate. 

“In addition and conclusion to what my house is trying to project...”

He talks and talks and talks, not minding how there is a slight hint of his accent peaking through each of his phrases. The spotlight hits him and he hates how it does so because he is _sweating_ and it highlights all of his flaws like that pimple that decided to say ‘hi’ and mess things up. There is absolutely nothing pretty about this. His eyes naturally rake through the crowd, loves how they are looking back.

Familiar eyes.

Starlight Freckles.

Laurens locks eyes with him and he can’t seem to look away. The light hit John from the back, it wasn’t the fault of the spotlight it was more like a stray light that just chose John as its muse. His hair lit up and glowed and it almost looked like he had a beautiful halo upon him. _Angel._ John was outlined by the light and it almost seemed like he was naturally like that, naturally lit up as if he just descended from the sky itself.

He wonders why John is looking at him like that, looks at him as if he’s done something beautiful. Was it what he was saying? Alexander realizes that his eyes were different today, it was swirling with emotions he has not seen in a long time. It was hard to name what it was. He doesn’t care to know what it’s called, only cares to know why the hell John is looking at him as if he was some deity. 

At that moment, everything and every moment that he and John shared just flashed in his head in a stitched together film. He almost loses his words but he kept talking, kept going. The lingering touches and the disgustingly honey sweet stares John would give him sometimes. For someone so smart he would have never pegged himself to be so damn slow with this. There it is. He finally knows what it’s called and he can’t quite help but care. He feels his heart leap, figures it’s a spasm.

In John’s eyes, there was admiration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's honestly taking me so long to update because I keep losing motivation as well as things to write about. I try to make it lengthier and more detailed but I'm just sucking so bad at this. It's a good thing I'm not really dependent on comments/views because otherwise I'd just be in deep shit. I do hope you guys are enjoying though.
> 
> I probably shouldn't work on two different fanfics from two HIGHLY different fandoms all at the same time. Christmas is coming though, I'm quite excited!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I will update this on Christmas  
> Also me: (horror movie marathon for two whole weeks with cousins + non-stop eating) 
> 
> I'm late with the update yes yes quite. It's 2017! Well...I'm working out more and eating healthier I mean I already started to do that in 2016 but let me shift to MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. You have any goals for 2017?
> 
> Hope you enjoy this update, gorgeous.

A few days after that, his life has been all about John. Literally.

John lunch.

John dinner.

John texts. (Both good morning _and_ good night.)

John.

John.

John.

John Laurens was an angel, really he was, but he can be so god damn clingy sometimes. Alexander’s face scrunched up as he stared down at his phone. John was inviting him out for something to eat and Alexander was very hungry but he will not--he refuses to--go with John for the fifth time (or more than) that week. He doesn’t hate John, but he doesn’t want him to be his whole world either.

 

 **To: Sunspots**  
Sorry, Laurens. Busy.

 

The worst part about it is that he can’t even tell Lafayette or Hercules about it because well...it’s John. No one hates _John._ And Alexander doesn’t _hate_ him just...ugh. It’s complicated. His life is complicated. Alexander is complicated.

It’s just that he texted John day and night and yes he trusted John and he listens to all his problems and vice versa but to be with him and think about him and be surrounded by all things John was somewhat suffocating. It will just be a day or two, just a day or two without the other and he’ll be fine. Alexander turns on airplane mode before he gets another text or, worse, call.

There has been a lot of projects going on lately and Alexander has barely managed to keep up (“ _mon petit lion, your projects are due next month” “Oh shit that’s so near!”_ ). Okay maybe he did manage, but early is late for him so he needed to finish _too early_ if that even made any sense. He also had a scheduled lunch date with George and Martha so it’s not like he’s totally lying about being busy.

He tries to comb his hair back with his fingers, feeling like some strands have gone astray from his ponytail. He needed to be neat and perfect, not because George and Martha were strict but because he just wanted to look good for them. They were going to eat at Menumission and that was a really close (and very hipster so he’s impressed that George chose it) restaurant so he could just walk without the worry of sweating.

His fingers fidgeted and ghosted above his pocket where his phone was. He felt the need to check if there were messages, but caught himself before his fingers brush against his phone. What was he doing? He was finally getting some momentary peace. He needed this peace. He needed a break from everything John. It was healthy to put some distance between friends.

_But what if he needs me?_

He probably doesn’t but that’s what spins in his head anyway. Alexander thinks of, instead, what he’ll order...Revolutionary Steak? John said that the Libertea drink there was good with the Chocolate Moonarchy cake and-- _oh my god, no_ \--okay wow he won’t order Libertea. He will not order anything John suggested before.

“So what will it be?” George said, laying the menu flat on the table.

Alexander sighs, looking at the waiter with a look of defeat. “I’ll have the Libertea and Revolutionary Steak with the Chocolate Moonarchy cake to follow.”

“Quite an appetite,” Martha grinned, eyes sparkling with fondness. She, of course, remembered the times wherein Alexander would only eat two bites and disappear from the dining table so it’s not a surprise that she’s happy to see him pig out.

“Working hard,” Alexander shrugged. “I’m just tired.”

“I watched your debate,” George said, flashing him a proud smile. “You did great.”

“Really?” Alexander said, slackjawed. “I mean I knew I did great, but I didn’t even see you there.”

George chuckled. “Just beside the spotlight.”

He snorted. “Subtle.”

“Very passionate about prostitution,” Martha swooned. “That’s my Alex.”

There’s always that hesitation between saying ‘my Alex’ and ‘my child’. Honestly, Alexander doesn’t really care about it because he already considers them as his parents. He won’t say that, but it’s what he truly feels. “Passionate about everything really.”

George smiles fondly. “How’s life?”

“Well school is--”

“Not that,” he says, nose scrunching up. “Friends? Health? Blogs?”

“Oh,” Alexander said, sitting up straighter with his eyes sparkling. He proceeds to talk about everything. He tells them about Lafayette, having to hide the fact that he slept with him because that is not the conversation he wanted to have. He talks about how Angelica force fed him the surprisingly good sandwich and Martha gives him a frown at this. Recently, the blogs he held was rising more and more in terms of statistics.

Martha talked about how lonely it had felt in the house even though George was there. Apparently, George was planning to run for a senate seat and slowly work from there. Alexander embarrassingly gasped, talking about how he could help him with his campaign. Who wouldn’t like a senator who had a hispanic semi-adoptive bisexual son. George disagreed. Alexander told him that he offered. Martha enjoyed her tea.

There is a comfortable silence between them once the food has arrived. Alexander sees it, sees something that he yearns for. Martha is slicing her chicken in half and George does the same with his steak, then they trade with each other. It was so simple. The act was domestic and simple in all its nature but he wanted it. He wanted to feel so comfortable with someone that he was able to do that, to freely look at them with all the love he could muster up. He wanted to know that he could do it again.

He quickly thinks of John and how he should maybe check his phone just in case there was an emergency or if the boy needed him or if there was something happening or just _John and his god damn turtles_.

“Alexander,” Martha says.

“Yeah?”

Martha seemed to have this glint of comprehension. “You have a different look in your eyes.”

Alexander snorted. “That’s so cheesy.”

George smirked. “Is that so?’

“I don’t know what you both mean,” he says, stuffing his face with his steak.

“Is Alex in love?” Martha teased, waggling her brows. She was old and she really shouldn’t be doing this to him and Alexander shouldn’t be blushing. “Hmm?”

Alexander choked. “ _Love?_.”

George chuckled. “We’re just teasing, son.”

“Love,” Alexander repeated, rolling his eyes. “I am incapable of such a feeling. I am fully and heavily committed to my work. I have so much deadlines--”

“Which, I presume, are due next month.”

“--and I made sure that they know of my dedication. I’m just too busy for this _love_ stuff,” Alexander finished.

Martha rolled her eyes. “Okay, but I do think we have to give you the talk sometime soon.”

Alexander groaned. “Oh, please no.”

The lunch drifted off quickly, they were busy and so was he. They planned a dinner out in a few weeks and George said that he won’t forget to discuss more political matters with him. He considers bringing the group with him but quickly decides against it. He falls face first on his bed, fishing his phone from his pocket.

Unlocks it.

Un-airplane modes it.

No texts.

Odd.

Ignores it.

Seconds.

Minutes.

Hours.

Days.

No texts.

Why the hell was John not texting him? Usually John would have bombarded him with the news on turtles by now, some kind of marine discovery. There is nothing. There is not even a smiley. Did he say something? He glared at his screen and the last message he sent to John glared back.

Didn’t he want this though? Didn’t he want peace and quiet from John? _Yeah, but not this much peace and quiet._ And what did that even mean? He keeps a neutral face but he was both angry and confused inside. There are so many questions, not enough answers. Alexander will not admit that he likes talking to John just as much as the other boy likes talking to him.

Um.

Okay.

But it’s been days and John does not even show up in Lafayette’s apartment. He doesn’t bother to ask, figures that he’ll just come off as clingy. Clingy. How ironic. Lafayette doesn’t make his coffee the way he wants it but he drinks it anyway. Hercules doesn’t like Big Bang Theory so they watch NCIS. He doesn’t have a problem with those kinds of series, but he’d rather watch Criminal Minds.

“I’m so gay for Gibbs,” Lafayette sighed.

Hercules snorted. “You’re gay. Period.”

“Alex,” Lafayette whined.

Alexander rolled his eyes. “No.”

“Alright,” Hercules nodded. “Anyway, have you heard of what Burr has done recently?”

“Something stupid,” Alexander said, bored. “As usual.”

“He tried to hit on Angelica Schuyler,” Lafayette laughed. “It was the best thing.”

Alexander let out a loud laugh. “He did? What did she do?”

“She had the most disgusted look on her face,” Hercules chuckled.

“Oh, that’s so bad,” Alexander groaned. “Hey Lau--” he caught himself. “Laundry. I think I need to do laundry.”

“Same,” Hercules grunted. “I’ve reused this shirt thrice this week.”

“Can’t you just sew some new ones?” Lafayette quipped.

Hercules sighed, done with life. “Right. I didn’t think about that.

See? He can be without John and John wasn’t _that_ important--except that it was and he can’t help but want to text him.

 

 **To: Sunspots**  
Where have you been recently?

 

“Hey, do you guys know what happened to John?” Alexander asked, frowning.

Lafayette rolled his eyes. “If he hasn’t texted you or shown his face here then he probably has a fever.”

 

 **From: Sunspots**  
Just busy. I’m fine, don’t worry.

 

Hercules snorted. “He hates it when we take care of him so we don’t and he refuses to tell us if he’s sick or not.”

“Doesn’t he get sick easily?” Alexander asked, recalling what Lafayette told him upon seeing John covered in one of his star dusted blankets. “Why wouldn’t he say anything?”

“Something about it not being important?” Lafayette shrugged. “You can go try and coo at him, but he’ll probably just send you off after a few hours.”

 

 **To: Sunspots**  
You sure?

 **From: Sunspots**  
Yeh

 **To: Sunspots**  
I’m coming over

 

“Hey, Marie, do you have any canned soup?”

 

 

He’s never been so nervous to go to John’s apartment before and he refused to dwell on the reason as to why he felt like so. He was always there and he didn’t even have to knock anymore, he just went in but it felt so inappropriate to do it right now. He knocked three times then rocked back and forth on his feet. There are sounds of dragging feet then the door slowly opened.

John is definitely sick. He’s not even the disgusting sick, he’s the cute all wrapped up in blankets and red in the face kind of sick. Alexander smiles, holding up a bag of canned soup and miscellaneous grocery items. He also brought some medicine just in case. John gives him a slight frown but opens the door wider for him to enter. The apartment was neat, save for the coffee table filled with used tissue.

“How’d you know?” John coughed.

Alexander shrugged. “You stopped texting and I got curious.”

John rolled his eyes. “We don’t always have to text.”

Alexander snorted. “I know. Anyway, Gilbert only had mushroom and potato soup so which will it be?”

John frowned cutely. “Mushroom.”

“I’m surprised you’re letting me take care of you,” Alexander said, stopping in front of a book to pick it up-- _so this is where my copy of Little Prince went_. “They said you wouldn’t like that.”

“You’re making food,” John said in a matter-of-factly tone, he slid and sat on top of the kitchen counter and proceeded to watch Alexander move around and set up. “I can’t miss this.”

“I’m just making soup,” Alexander said. “It’s not like some kind of cultural masterpiece that I get to offer you, my sweet Laurens.”

“Right.”

“I’ll maybe make you some fried chicken too?”

“Oh, _fuck_ yeah...I mean...please?”

A smile. “Alright. I knew you’d like that.”

He is surprised by how easily and fluidly he moves around the kitchen. He knows where the pans are and only asks for the can opener--I don’t have one--he stabs the can open, making John laugh but at the same time worriedly tell Alexander that he should be careful with that. Alexander quotes Simba: _I laugh at the face of danger. HA HA HA HA_.

And then there is silence, the usual silence they have together but also a little bit different. There is only Alexander preparing the chicken, cringing at the sound of the crumbs because he hated the sound of rough on rough surface. John is still watching, eyes blinking rather slowly than usual. He doesn’t know how he knows but he does.

“So I don’t normally....do this.”

“Is it safe to say that I’m special?”

Was John actually special to him? Well he did go here after buying the best high quality fried chicken ingredients even though he knew that he’d have to buy some books for himself soon. The only thought he had whilst in the grocery was: _It’s for John._ Then again, he’d probably do the for Eliza as well. He’s not _that_ special.

Alexander looks at him, cute and sat on the counter like a bundled up egg. “I guess you are, John.”

“Oh, yay.” And why was that so damn _cute._

“How was your day?” Alexander asked, heating the oil.

“Dying.”

Alexander shoots him a glare. “Don’t say that.” He catches himself. “Sorry.”

“What I said hit home?”

“Yeah,” he nods. He prepares himself for the questions.

“My day was pretty boring really,” John says. “It’s not like I had much energy to do much of anything. I couldn’t even read a sentence on that book you had lying around.”

“Oh, baby boy,” Alexander cooed teasingly. “Want me to read to you?”

A snort. “I don’t need your pity, Alexander.”

 _Alexander._ Why does he keep using that name of his? He wants to tease him.

“Let me take care of you for today.” He flinches at the gentleness of his own voice and it’s a good thing that his back is facing John.

John hums, low. “Don’t you have shit to do?”

Alexander shrugged. “The deadline is next month, it can wait.”

“I should get sick more often,” John quipped.

Alexander pursed his lips. “Try not to, Laurens.”

“Si, mamá.”

Alexander snorted. “Did you just ‘yes, mom’ me in Spanish?”

“Maybe,” John chuckled, breaking into a coughing fit.

He shot him a worried look. “Are you okay, John?’

John waved him off. “I’m fine.”

“Tell me if you’re not,” Alexander said, turning his attention back to the chicken. He moved to prepare the soup since the chicken was fairly easy to do, luckily John had one of those four burner gas stove so that he could just do it all simultaneously and also feel like a god damn chef. “I’m almost done.”

“That makes me happy,” John states. “Even though I know I’ll vomit it out later. I haven’t been eating because of that---no, don’t look at me like that when you know you don’t even eat.”

Alexander pouted. “ _I guess._ ”

 

Alexander, after setting everything up, watched John eat. He props his chin up on his arms, smiling at how some crumbs managed to makes its way to the corner of John’s lip. He’s also amused by how John sighs every time he drink/eats his soup. It must have settled his throat down. “Any good?”

“Mhmm,” John hums, swallowing his chicken. “I’d offer you some, but I don’t want to get you sick.”

“I’m sure that’s the reason,” Alexander snorted.

“I like chicken.” And was he a child? Seriously? Alexander stood up, making his way towards the TV. Did John record Big Ba-- “I recorded Big Bang Theory if you want to watch it. Do you want some coffee?”

“I’m good,” Alexander says. He really wants coffee but he doesn’t want John to do anything for him at the moment. He proceeds to laugh at the show until the first hour of his stay.

 

**Second Hour.**

They move to the bedroom because John is too cold and uncomfortable. They settle for the small screen of the laptop, resting the cool metal half on Alexander’s right leg and half on John’s left leg. There is a sliver of space between them and even though he knew that John was craving for some cuddling with anything that was warm (mainly, him), he’s thankful that John doesn’t close that space between them.

He feels John shiver beside him, his laughter deteriorating because it only made him cough. Alexander stood to gather more blankets and get a sweater and also a jug of water. He comes back to John frustratedly pushing his leg in and out of the blanket over and over again because he can’t seem to figure out if he was feeling hot or cold.

“John,” Alexander says, frown etched onto his face.

John gave him a smile. “It’s been two days since I’ve had this fever. I’ll be fine, it won’t get worse.

 

**Third Hour.**

It got worse.

They have long since forgotten about what they were watching. Alexander moved to sit by the bedside, letting John lie down comfortably in the middle of his bed. John asks if they could share the bed for body warmth and Alexander said no so that he could move around in case John needed something. There he was, sat on the chair watching John shiver and groan.

He is tempted to hold John’s hand. He hesitates. He doesn’t do it.

John gave him a weak incredulous look. “You look at me like I’m dying. I’ll be fine. It’s always like this.”

He snorts but it sounds more of like a whine---a whimper. “It’ll be fine.”

 

**Fourth Hour.**

John bolts up, running towards the bathroom. Alexander follows, holding John’s hair with his left hand and gently patting John’s back with his right hand. John is shaking and hunched over in front of the toilet, groaning mixing in with gagging. The sounds are terrifying and all too familiar but Alexander focuses his eyes on the clock that stated the date and time.

It doesn’t help.

Alexander is fleeting between past and present. The sounds of huskiness replaced by high pitched glassy sounds. The bathroom replaced by a bedroom with wooden floorboards. He hears phantom wind banging on the window, relentless. The ghostly white fabrics scrunched together with dried up snot and sweat. Straight hair. Gentle eyes. _You’ll be okay, mijo_.

No.

_Alex._

_My little one._

Alexander.

“Alexander,” John said, giving him a grateful look. “Thanks. Let’s go back to bed?”

“Yes.” Alexander sits back down on his chair and lets John get comfortable in his bed. The other boy flashes him another quick smile before he dozes off.

 

**Fifth Hour**

The bed is creaking with John’s constant fidgeting.

“Not yet,” he mutters in his sleep. “I don’t...”

Alexander kneels beside the bed, eyes desperate. He brushes stray hairs away from John’s face, leaning in to place his forehead on top of the other boy’s forehead. “Don’t die, okay?”

 

**Sixth Hour**

He wakes up to John staring at him with wet eyes, it’s the coughing fit that woke them both up. The slowly setting sun hits the back of John’s head like a transcendent halo. He was consumed by illness but he looked rather beautiful. He feels his heart squeeze. How could he have not known?

“Get in here with me?” He really shouldn’t because it’s hot and sweaty but he moves to get in, leaving just a small enough space between them. “You’re warm. Can I be the little spoon?”

He wasn’t sure if he was ready but there was no hesitation in his movements as he pulled the weak boy into him, arm looped around his waist and the other tucked underneath John’s burning head. There was an electric jolt but it only made his heart feel like it was beating for something other than its owner. He realized that whatever John asked, he would do; wherever John goes, he would be sure to follow. He realized it then, a bit late, but at least he did. He didn’t know what made him wake up to the reality. It was, perhaps, the fact that he kept worrying that John would die or their heated bodies pressed together and Alexander was far from burning or discomfort.

He liked John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you had a good holiday. 
> 
> Also, I know that not everyone has a good holiday because we're not all living this nice life and not all of us get have this perfect holiday people want to force upon us. I hope you had a holiday wherein you were safe or wherein your mental or physical health wasn't at stake. I hope you had fanfics to read so you could escape the world or I hope you had videos to watch to tune it all out. 
> 
> xx


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well....I took long

Upon realization of some foreign intimate feelings, Alexander got drunk. 

“Are you okay?” Eliza asked, pushing her own drink away in favor of watching and taking care of Alexander. “You seem a bit overwhelmed.”

“Eliza,” Alexander groaned, slamming his head on the table. “What have I done?”

Eliza’s brows knitted together. “Darling, talk to me.” 

He whined. “I’m going to get hurt, Betsey. I’m going to crash and burn.” 

“I’m here for you,” she replied. “Come on.” 

“I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again,” Alexander said. “Which doesn’t make sense because I’ve been wanting this feeling since I’ve recovered and now it just fucking scares me. I don’t want to be back in ‘after’.” 

“Alexander,” Eliza said, tone warning. “Talk to me. Details.”

“I thought I couldn’t do it...” 

“Alexander.” 

“But I did and I don’t know...” 

“Alexander.” 

“Will I regret it?”

“ _Alexander_.”

“Eliza, I like someone,” Alexander said, raising his head from the table. His face was contorted into that of confusion. “I like someone.” 

“But isn’t that good news?” Eliza asked, slowly placing her hand on top of Alexander’s. 

Alexander wanted to say that John would end up hurting him, John would end up hating him but he couldn’t say it because he knew John and John was nothing like that. He was sweet, he was caring, and he asked. “He’d never like me back.”

Eliza snorted. “ _Right_. You’re more charming than you think.” 

“Didn’t you save me as ‘Annoying Democrat’ on your phone?” Alexander said. 

“Eh.” She waved her hand dismissively. “Who’s the lucky guy anyway?

“Well, I wouldn’t call them lucky.” He downed his drink. Alexander propped his chin up on his palm, fingers on his free hand coming to play with the rim of the glass. “I don’t know if I should say his name out loud.”

“Why not?”

“It makes it a fact.” A sigh. “It’ll make my feelings have access to growth. You know when you say you like someone and it comes out as the truth even if you’re not meaning for it to be?” 

“You like him. Isn’t it the truth?” 

She got him there. “I just---I’m not yet sure.” She raised a brow. “Okay maybe I am, but...” 

“It’s fine,” she said. “Can you touch him? Does it burn?” 

“It used to,” Alexander nodded, eyes darting to his hands then Eliza’s face. “But not anymore.” 

“So do you mind me telling Angelica and Peggy?” She smiled sheepishly. 

Alexander rolled his eyes. “For all I know you might have already told them.” She looked at him expectantly. “Okay, _fine_.” 

“Anyway, I just found out that I’m demi-sexual--”

“Congrat--”

“Wait let me finish,” Eliza said. “And I’m crushing on this very promiscuous woman who has a never ending sex drive.” 

“So you mean....someone like me?” Alexander deadpanned. “Maria is like...me?”

Eliza groaned. “But that’s different!” 

He snorted. “How in the world is it different.”

“Well...you...” Eliza pouted. “We had a connection even before all of the sex things.”

“The sex thi--” Alexander coughed. “Alright... _oh my god_.” 

“What?”

“Was I your first?” 

Eliza drank a shot, red in the face and pouting. “ _No._ ” It was Alexander’s turn to give her a look. “Ugh. _Yes._ It doesn’t mean anything.” 

“Yes it does,” he whined. “We should celebrate!” 

“Alexander Hamilton popped my cherry,” Eliza said. “Good job.” 

“Cheers,” Alexander laughed, raising his glass. Eliza followed but looking a bit more like a forced teenager. “To having our hearts be perpetually crushed with self doubt.” 

“And also me losing my virginity to an annoying democrat.” They laughed. 

It was always easy to talk to Eliza, he never had to worry about hiding anything which is why he’s thankful that she’s in his life. She’s maybe one of the few people who helped him recover and one of the few people who understood how he worked without him having to say anything. He just wished that he made it easier for her. It’s not easy for anyone to fall in love and then remain as a close friend who provides emotional support on the daily basis. 

He wondered why he couldn’t function normally and just fall in love with her, she was so easy to love. She held him when he asked, she knew which books he’d like to read, she knew what he meant when he said that she smelled like water, and she, sure as hell, knew how to make his coffee. It’s not just that. She knew how to handle his panic attacks and she knew what to say every time. She was good for him.

But why?

“I’ll just go to the bar for some more drinks.” And shit he didn’t realize how gone he was until he stood up and the floor beneath him immediately started to sway. Eliza looked at him skeptically before nodding. 

“Text me if you’re in trouble.” 

“Alright.” 

He manages to gracefully stumble to the bar, hauling himself up on the stool before he released a sigh of relief. Jack Daniels on the rocks, please. The bartender nods. He just needed something light to maybe ease himself off of this swaying hell. His phone vibrates. 

“John.” 

“Alexander, do you know where my sweater went? Is it with you?” 

“Maybe.” 

“Come on I need it for---are you drunk right now?” 

“Oh come on it can’t be that obvious.” Except that it was because he said ‘Joh’. 

“ _Right._ I need my sweater for an art reference I’m doing.” 

“But it’s warm.” 

“I can give you another one.”

“But it’s my nemo.” 

“I’ll give you another and I’ll return your favorite hair tie .” 

“I knew you had it! You...monster!”

“Sweater for the hair tie.” 

“Deal, but only because I like your hair down.” 

“Alex...what?” 

_Alex?_

“Your hair so fun to play with” 

“Is that so?”

“Mmm”

“Alexander, you’re drunk.” 

“Hey...” 

“Yeah?”

_Why do you keep calling me Alexander?_ “I just wanted to hear you respond.” 

“You’re being silly. Thank you for taking care of me while I was sick by the way.” 

“It’s not a problem if it’s you.” He didn’t mean for the last part to be said. Whenever he remembers the sickness ordeal, he doesn’t know whether to feel sad or not. John doesn’t even remember their little ‘cuddle’, not even a little bit. So, in the future, if John asks when Alexander realized that he liked him...how could he answer with an event that technically didn’t happen? “You know what I mean.” 

“I know what you mean.” And that was the problem with whatever relationship they had now. It was always friendly banter and then, by the end, it would become soft spoken as if there is something unsaid that is understood. It felt as if they were teetering between borders they were not ready to establish and he honestly didn’t know if he was okay with or not. “Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Of course you will.” _Because whatever you want, I will give._ He immediately erased the thought from his head because it scared the shit out of him. It was also too soon to think about it. “I’ll see you.” 

There is silence for a few seconds before John hangs up. It seems like there’s always some sort of silence before they end their calls, a silence reserved for something that he can’t quite understand. Someday.

He went to sit back down with Eliza, drink untouched but in hand. “He called me. I’m seeing him tomorrow.” 

“That was fast,” Eliza said, impressed.

Alexander eyed Eliza’s pursed lips and then the phone in her hand. “So when will Angelica and Peggy arrive here?” 

She gave him a sheepish smile. “Five minutes.”

* * *

“Let’s watch the 9/11 documentary,” Alexander said, entering John’s apartment. The said boy came out of his bedroom, hair all in a tangly mess and a spongebob blanket tightly bundled in his arms. “Well...you look like shit.” 

“Thanks, Alexander,” John deadpanned. 

“9/11 documentary!”

John headed straight to the kitchen. “Tell me why you need to watch that again?”

“For an essay!” He replied cheerfully, already setting up the laptop and TV.

“Alright!” A pause. “You can start without me.”

“Okay!”

Alexander started the documentary, letting his body sink into the couch. He’s been wanting to watch this but he was always too busy and he’s never had the time. He’s glad he waited because what could trump watching this documentary with someone he may or may not like? John came to sit beside him five minutes after Alexander started the documentary. He buried himself underneath the spongebob blanket, draping half of it on top of Alexander. 

They watched in silence.

Alexander slightly moved towards John as time passed by as if bodies gravitating towards each other. It’s not gravity. He was just cold. John ends up closing the space between them, albeit rather hesitantly. Alexander was, of course, overthinking things so he doesn’t care about the close proximity or the thought that looking up will enable him to literally look at his lips as if his eyes were a microscope. 

“Alexander...” John breathed and it put Alexander’s soul on fire. “Would you mind turning the volume up?” 

“Not at all.” 

And it was silent for a while, save for Alexander’s head which just kept bugging him to no end. Why was John so close and would it hurt to touch him? Also, why did he smell like the ocean as if it was just some kind of normal scent to have? Was John aware that he could trace out the Aquarius constellation on his arm with his freckles? He had a lot of questions to ask but--

“You always call me Alexander.” --a statement came out. He peeked through his stray hairs to see that John was looking at him with a confused expression on his face. 

“That’s your name.” 

Well, _it is_ his name.

“Well yeah but...” Alexander trailed off. “You call Gilbert ‘Laf’ or ‘Lafayette baguette’, you call Hercules ‘Herc’, and then you call me Alexander. I mean sometimes you call me ‘Alex’ but often times ‘Alexander’.”

“Well yeah,” John said, seemingly still confused. “Does it bother you?”

“Not if you tell me why,” Alexander said, trying to sound as innocent as possible.

John sighed, rolling his eyes. “It’s because I like your name.”

He felt his heart stop. How could this freckled bastard say such things so calmly? “Excuse me?”

“I like your name, Alexander,” He repeated. “I really like saying it.”

“It’s such a common name,” Alexander argued, eyebrows scrunching in frustration. There were so many Alexanders in his elementary school that he they had to all have nicknames or they were called “Alex 1” and “Alex 2”. 

“So is ‘John’. It’s your name and I like your name.” There seems to be a space at the end of the sentence that John forgot to fill.

He never considered ‘John’ being a common name, he just knew it for what it was. It was the name of a spectacular man who was willing to cuddle with him under a spongebob blanket while watching a documentary they were only half listening to. “I like ‘John’ too.”

 

Alexander thought that John looked really pretty, dusted with so much perfection that he thought wasn’t possible for just one human being to have. He didn’t know what came over him then but he felt his fingers loosely tangle themselves with John’s fingers. They were loose but he knew that, with time, they’d fit well together. John doesn’t tighten the grip and he’s thankful for that. It took him a long time to realize that the moment was too intimate for even the two of them. What to say to him?

“You should really clean your apartment,” Alexander blurted out. He mentally kicks himself for actively killing whatever moment they had. “The clutter is making it smaller.”

John snorted. “This is your mess. Do I read about--” He looks at the title of the book by his foot. “--Ancient Economics in my spare time? No.”

Okay that was a fair point but he wasn’t going down without a fight. “You really should.”

“Oh my god,” John groaned, rolling his eyes. “That is not the point.”

Alexander looked at John with the most intense kicked puppy look he could ever muster in all his years of existence. John gives him a look of...what was that look anyway? He looked weird. “But I like to be with you and leaving my things here means that I have a reason to see you.”

John stared, then rolled his eyes. “Stop buying books you don’t need.”

Alexander gasped, putting his free hand on his chest in mock hurt. “I need them all.”

“You and your dramatics,” John chuckled. “Whatever just make sure to stack them in a neat pile somewhere.”

Alexander gave a breathy laugh. “We’re so domestic.”

“And I assume that you enjoy this,” John said, a twinkle of fondness in his eyes that makes Alexander swallow a lump in his throat. 

_Domesticity._

He’s never even thought about it like that, he’s only just ever considered simply being with John and not the other things. Were they really domestic? He was never one to be driven by domesticity and he never thrived in it so...what was this?

“I am not saying that we should venture in mutual domesticity but...” Alexander’s eyebrows knitted together, concentrating on his next few choice of words because he truly did not want to reveal anything or shut the other boy out. “I do kind of...enjoy this? I mean I have never had close friends like you before and I enjoy it.”

He mentioned close friend and tried to not rolls his eyes, he quickly glanced and their linked hands then looked back to John. “Same.”

“I am sorry though.” Alexander sort of felt bad that he’s keeping all of them in the dark despite him unconsciously and consciously dropping slight hints. He’s struggling with his words and he hates it. “I don’t open up as much and I do try but I...”

John looked at him incredulously. “It’s fine, Alexander. I’d never make you do anything you don’t want to do. I’m not that sort of person.”

His heart was filled at his reply. “Thank you.”

John nods and leans back into the couch again. “I’m surprised you haven’t had the urge to write ever since we started this documentary.”

Alexander attempted to act cool but really he was afraid that he got caught. “Is it wrong?”

“It’s surprising,” John corrected.

Alexander hummed, satisfied that it wasn’t anything he was afraid of. He leaned closer, thumb stroking knuckles as a way to memorize something usually so overlooked. His knuckles. Would it hurt? “How can I say no to this?”

“Easy. You say no to this like how you say no everytime I try to make you eat.”

Alexander scowled, a pout making its way to his lips. “That was a cute moment and you went and destroyed it and the food you give me is disgusting.”

“Fruits are disgusting?”

“They’re so healthy.”

“Alexander Hamilton, you have to eat something that isn’t your disgustingly high in sugar mini donuts or the god forsaken coffee you insist is organic.”

_“Oui, maman.”_

“Did you just ‘yes, mom’ me in French?”

He laughs and so does his heart.

* * *

When he woke up one morning, everything felt very wrong. He briefly wondered why.

Alexander’s face contorts into that of disdain when he checked the date. He needed to be alone and he needed to be grounded. But it was too late for sanity and he was beginning to slip. He tried to grip himself, white knuckling the clothes that covered him. He shifted, tossed, and turned. He need to feel real. He needed to feel ‘now’ and not ‘after’. 

Where was he?

_Shit._

He was in a see saw between past and present. 

Focus on _now_. He tries to scream it. 

Now. 

There was a book case. 

Piles of books. 

Untouched laptop, left open for him. 

Crumpled paper. 

_“Alex, what’s wrong?”_

No. 

_“I’ll take care of you.”_

No. 

_“I love you.”_

Please.

Zig zagged hair. 

Wild eyes.

Trustful eyes.

Lustful eyes.

Hateful eyes. 

Calloused fingers and their grip on his skin. The grip... _the grip_. 

He was burning, he was burning again. He wanted to drown but he wanted to breathe. The morning sun peeked at him, giving him such a pitiful look but he didn’t need anyone’s pity. He let out a soft scream. Where was he? What was happening? Someone. Anyone. His fingers are stretched out, fingers tangling with air. He held the air and the air held back; It wasn’t enough. He needed something solid. 

Embers that turned into crackling logs with whatever he did. It was coming, he tried to hide but couldn’t. He could not hide enough of himself from such an unforgiving force. He wanted--what did he want? He wanted someone to save him, but only he could save himself. He wanted to beg but he didn’t want to show weakness. He wanted to scream but there was nothing left in him.

_“You’re so pretty when you’re quiet”_

“ALEXANDER HAMILTON!” 

He jolts awake, eyes staring at brown ones that reminded him of gentleness and feathers. “Peggy.” 

“I saw the date and I...” she doesn’t finish her sentence, instead she gently lifts Alexander so that he’s sitting up and is leaning against his headboard. She places a hand on his forehead and sighs in relief. “I’m sorry I’m late. I came as soon as I saw my calendar.” 

“Thank you,” Alexander says, practically forcing the words out of his throat. “You came just in time.” 

“Do you want anything?” Peggy asked. “I will do anything for you.” 

“Where am I?” 

Peggy nodded. “You’re at home in your boarding house and it’s eleven in the morning. You’re in bed and it’s sunny outside.” 

“Right,” Alexander said, eyes beginning to lose it’s glassiness. 

“Angelica and Eliza will be on their way and we’ll be here for you,” Peggy said. “Is it okay to touch you in that way?” _Intimately._

“Please don’t,” Alexander choked. “I’m hurting.” 

“Alexander,” Peggy says. “No one touched you like that, it’s okay. You are safe.”

Alexander shakily held Peggy’s hand. “Just--just don’t leave. I don’t mind silence, just stay for now.” 

“I was not planning on leaving you,” Peggy said, voice dripping with assurance. 

She didn’t leave his side, not even once. 

 

 

 

“Alexander, come back to sleep.” 

Alexander looked behind him to see that Angelica was standing near him with her arms folded in front of her. Eliza and Peggy were lying on the airbed, fast asleep and mouths ajar. They have been the ones fussing over him all day. “I just need to write something down.” 

“Alex,” Angelica sighed, she raised her arms in defeat and decided to sit at the foot of Alexander’s bed and just focus on her phone. “I’ll stay with you until you’re finished.”

He frowned. “You don’t have to, Lyka. This will...take a while.” 

“I just want to make sure,” she says without looking up from her phone. “Peggy said it took a while for her to calm you down and ground you.” 

Alexander frowned. “I didn’t realize.” He stops himself from apologizing because it will help neither of them. 

“It’s fine but...” she trailed off, eyebrows scrunching together. She looked up from her phone, eyes trained on a spot by Alexander’s legs as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. “Would you have preferred it if it was the guy you like?”

“Of course not,” he said. “It would have been just as bad with him. Today’s just...” 

Angelica looked up and sighed. “Tough. I know. It has always been.” 

“I have you three to help me through it,” Alexander said, smiling a bit. “I’m glad.” 

“It’s just--” she huffed frustrated. “What if we’re not enough anymore? What if we can’t bring you back and you’ll be all alone again? I don’t want that for you. I know that you’re strong enough and I know--I just...what if?” 

“It’s best not to dwell,” he hummed. It never really occurred to him that Angelica felt something other than anger. “We won’t know.”

Angelica looked up at him, then down. “You should continue what you were writing. I’ll stay up with you.”

 

 

 

“Hey,” Eliza said softly, placing a tray of food beside him. “It’s 11AM in the morning and I made you--” her face morphed into confusion. “ _Brunch_?” 

Alexander smiled softly. “Brunch. Thank you.” 

“It’s no problem, darling,” she says, sitting by his legs. “How are you feeling?” 

“Like shit,” he answered truthfully. He grabbed the plate of toast, biting into it and humming contentedly when he tasted the honey and bananas. “But this tastes good.” 

“I’m glad,” Eliza grinned. “Alexander...” 

He looks up and there are so many unspoken things in her eyes that he understood. He always knew what she meant with just one glance, just one locked look. Eliza searched him, knowing that he knew but still waiting for some kind of confirmation. “I know.”

_I’m here for you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You must be wondering why it took me a while to update. You see...I like someone HA HA HA. Sad, right? When I like someone I get so caught up with them and I end up imagining plots about us and/or writing poetry about them and I...I really like them and I'm working on having them like me back. Fun fact: it's not as easy as what I write in fics and it's a longer process. I'm so sorry. 
> 
> ((Also, college got hectic))
> 
> Thank you for reading!! Have a great day.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time

“Well,” Lafayette said, propping himself up with his elbow. “You’ve been distracted lately.”

Alexander is feeling for a rag on the floor, tossing it at Lafayette’s face when he manages to grab it. The French man shrugs and proceeds to wipe himself with it. “What do you mean, Marie?”

“Just...you know...” he trails off. “You’re usually so methodical.”

“Are you saying I’m starting to become sloppy, Joseph?” Alexander said, mock hurt.

Lafayette rolled his eyes. “No, don’t be dramatic. I’m just trying to say that you’re not with me when we’re having sex.”

“Of course I’m with you, who do you think does all the work here?” Alexander said.

“First of all, fuck you. I do work,” Lafayette said. “Second, you know what I mean.”

Alexander shook his head. “Maybe I do.”

“Fine,” Lafayette sighed, holding his hands up in defeat. “Avoid this thing if you wish. It’s not like you’re bad when you’re distracted, _mon petit lion_.”

“Sorry,” Alexander sighed, already starting to feel bad.

Lafayette stared at him. “You like someone.”

Alexander, swear to Jesus, choked on his own spit. “Excuse me?’

“Oh, you do,” the French man grinned, a grin that only reminded Alexander of a shark with teeth.

“It’s not just that,” he sighed. “I just haven’t been myself lately.”

A hum that prompted him to continue.

“I just recently had a bad...encounter...with my thoughts...and I don’t know how else to put that,” Alexander said, struggling. He’s never opened up to Lafayette before, but it didn’t seem as bad as he thought it would be. The curly haired man wasn’t even looking at him while he talked, he was staring at the ceiling. Alexander truly hated eye contact during one of these ‘opening up’ sessions. “And everything has been so muddled up lately. I’m debating with everyone, even our stupid professors, and I do like debating but sometimes it just feels like you’re isolated because of your own beliefs.”

“You’re just talking to the wrong people,” the other man replied. “Hercules, John, and I are all strongly with you and we’re all willing to support you in whatever you do. I’m sorry if we haven’t made that obvious enough.”

A sigh. “I know you guys will, it’s just that sometimes my brain decides to ignore this. It renders it void and it _isn’t_ void. You guys are very important to me.”

He thinks he doesn’t make sense but Lafayette nods. “Thank you, Alex...for opening up to me.” The French man turns his head towards him and so does he; this was probably the most intimate thing they’ve done ever since they started sleeping together. “You’re very important to me as well.”

“Aw, Gilbert,” Alexander cooed. “Don’t fall in love with me.”

Lafayette groaned, throwing the cum rag on Alexander’s face. “That is _my_ line, _mon petit lion_.”

“This that,” Alexander said, waving his hand dismissively.

“Describe who you like?” Lafayette said, sounding a bit hesitant. “You don’t have to say their name. I don’t mind.”

Alexander is grateful for that fact. “They’re so...warm, you know? And I’ve never felt my heart beat the way it does for them in a long time. I never thought it would do that again actually. They’re just so cute when they sleep oh my god.”

Lafayette snorted. “Never thought you’d be the hopeless romantic type.”

“I’m not,” Alexander denied.

“Aw, you are,” he gushed, clasping his hands together. “And it’s so sweet ‘cause you’re probably doing with them all these things that you don’t do with me.”

Alexander blushed at the thought of him holding hands with John. “Um... _no_.”

“Awwww.”

“ _No._ ”

“ _Mon petit lion_ , you are so cute.”

“I am no--” a frustrated sigh. He is rewarded by a laugh as he straddles the taller man. “Okay, tell you what, let’s just have sex whilst you tease me because at least we’ll be productive then.”

* * *

Alexander just had a heated argument with Burr on the concept of science and religion. Okay, it is one thing to deny scientific theories of evolution that have already shown proof but to outright say that isn’t real? Alexander sometimes thinks that Burr is just doing it to spite him, no other reason but to push his buttons. Normally, he wouldn’t be in such a bad mood when it comes to Burr but the man always seemed to cut him off mid-sentence.

Hercules grunted as Lafayette scooted closer to him in a fairly empty cafeteria table. “Yes?”

“ _Mon petit lion_ is in a bad mood,” Lafayette whispered.

Hercules looked over to Alexander and it was pretty obvious that he really was in a bad mood. He was more uptight than usual and his frown seemed to be permanently etched on his face. If Alexander wanted to go extra, there would have been steam puffing out of his ears. “Alex.”

Alexander snapped his head up, a glare still fixed on his face. Hercules internally sighs, he should not have called his attention. “What?”

“Hi.” Alexander gives a stiff nod before going back to his notebook. Has he not ripped that paper apart yet? “What did you do?”

Lafayette scowled. “What did you mean what did I do? What did _you_ do?”

“I haven’t even talked to the guy,” Hercules whisper yelled. “Did you do something wrong during sex?”

“Excuse _moi_? I am perfect,” the French man boasted, making Hercules pinch the bridge of his nose. “Oh, don’t be shy to compliment.”

“Right, yeah,” Hercules muttered. “Let’s just leave him to it for a while.”

“Alexander!” Alexander’s head quickly snaps up with a glare, aura electrifying. John props all of his things on the chair between him and Lafayette.

“God’s sake,” Lafayette sighed. “I don’t want to see them fight.”

Hercules was about to tell John to shut up but he immediately spots Alexander’s glare melt into a soft smile. The boy propped up his chin on his hand as John came to sit in front of him, talking to him about some article he has just read. Alexander nods along as if he wasn’t just a second closer to ripping his notebook apart a while ago. He noticed that Alexander is casually touching John’s hand from time to time and he knows that’s new. Lafayette doesn’t seem to notice, opting to work on a project he had with Johann.

He’ll keep what he saw noted for any future talks with one of them.

* * *

A storm.

There was a storm and Alexander was questioning his own existence. The storm made his windows groan in protest, trying to fight in a battle of continuous pitter patter. Alexander curled up under his blanket thinking that maybe out of sight is also out of mind. It’s not but he tries anyway. He would call up Eliza but she and the rest of her siblings are away on some sort of educational trip.

He decides to tap on his phone absentmindedly.

 

 **To: Sunspots**  
My dearest, Laurens.

 

Okay, not quite what he had in mind.

 

 **From: Sunspots**  
It’s 2:30 AM, Alexander

 **To: Sunspots**  
There’s a storm. I can’t sleep

 **From: Sunspots**  
Do you want me to call?

 

He really wanted to hear John’s voice, but he’ll deny this fact and bring it to his grave.

 

 **To: Sunspots**  
It’s quite alright, I think I’ll just sleep.

 **From: Sunspots**  
I’m calling

 

“Hi.”

He tried to breathe. “Hi, John.”

“How are you?”

“Just...” _Panicking? Uncomfortable? Verge of tears? Suffocated?_ “...thinking.”

“That’s dangerous.”

He couldn’t help but giggle at that. “Tell me anything.”

“You know what? I do not understand why people think that throwing their trash in the sea doesn’t affect our ecosystem. They think that turtles are stupid for mistaking plastic for jellyfish when, in reality, if put side by side they look just about the same. When you’re hungry you don’t really think, you know? You just grab whatever’s there.”

 

It was cute how he managed to just grab Alexander’s attention with anything even if it was this long paragraph about turtles he could hardly care about because he loved sharks more but he’ll never say that out loud. Does he really care? He’s just enjoying the sound, although it isn’t that crisp, of John talking to him.

“Also, I was---maybe I should just sing to you.”

 

Okay, since when did John even sing? Did John sing at all? What is John?

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Mmkay.”

“So this is love mmmm so this is love so this is what makes life divine. I’m all aglow mmmm and now I know, the key to all heaven is mine. My heart has wings mmmm and I can fly, I’ll touch every star in the sky. So this is the miracle that I’ve been dreaming of mmmm so this is love.”

And it’s not like Alexander Hamilton is trying to assume anything here, but it sounds like a love proposal...well that or it was the first thing that came to John’s mind. He did love disney. He felt his heart clench and if he wasn’t so sleepy he would have jumped for joy, cheesily clicking his heels together as he did so. John’s voice just penetrated his brain and swirled his thoughts.

“You have a nice voice.” Alexander said, hating how soft his voice sounded. “Another? A whole song.”

“That was a whole song.”

“My dearest.” He did not know why he even used that pet name because he hardly ever used it....or at all. He just thought it was fitting. Alexander knew that John was searching for another song to sing, he just knew the man like that.

“I love you too much to live without you loving me back...” Alexander’s eyes widened, heart clenching further. He curled into a ball in order to maybe lessen the feeling. It didn’t lessen. He knew this song and he knew what it was about. Honestly, it’s too painfully obvious. He wanted to say something but his eyes were already dropping and he just could not help himself. “There’s love above love and it’s ours if you love me as much.”

_I can._

 

 

In the morning, he woke up to deep breathing being emitted from his phone with the occasional weird sleepy jargon that came with the ‘John is asleep’ package. He smiled to himself. Was that what they did? Person A singing to Person B until they both fell asleep during a call. He felt mildly warm. He reaches for his charger to plug his phone in. If he could maybe just find his charger through his morning sun blinded eyes.

Ah, he found it.

“Good morning, Alexander.” His breath catches, hand letting the chord drop once again. He should really be used to John’s croaky deep voice that comes when he wakes up. He should just also consider himself trash.

“Good morning.”

* * *

Alexander is drunk with the Schuyler sisters. He should not be.

It was actually a spur of the moment thing. They had just won another debate and Peggy wanted to celebrate, somehow convincing a ‘ _very_ ’ busy Alexander Hamilton that he should tag along. The said girl also managed to convince Alexander Hamilton to take more shots than his body can handle. He didn’t care, he was ready for anything.

“So that guy you like...”

_Except that._

“Is he pretty?” Angelica asked, leaning into him with a sly smirk.

Alexander told himself not to answer. “Very pretty. There are galaxies on his face.”

 "So what would you like him to call you?" Peggy snickered.

He _really_ shouldn’t answer so he just downs another shot. Yes, Alexander, getting more drunk will solve this whole thing. _Stupid ass hispanic bisexual boy._

Eliza clapped her hands together. “Babe?”

“Too common,” Alexander said, scrunching up his nose.

“Love?”

“Too British.”

“Darling?”

“Eh.”

“Dearest?”

“I like that,” Alexander said. “But I’d rather use it on him.”

“Baby?”

“Nope.”

“Honey?”

“Too married.”

“Baby Girl.”

“I...” Alexander choked, hint of red creeping onto his cheeks then his ears.

“Baby girl,” Peggy said in a deep voice. “I knew it!”

“ _God._ ”

* * *

“Did you hear?” Mulligan said from the other side of Lafayette’s apartment. John was busy tying and taming Lafayette’s hair and Alexander was just watching them from the sidelines.

“Hear wha--fucking, Laurens, please be gentle--hear what?” Lafayette asked. Alexander tried to hide his smile as he watched Laurens sigh, comb in hand.

“There’s a new club opening,” Mulligan smirked. “Let’s go.”

Alexander perked up at what he heard. He is in need of a drink _so bad_ even though he got wasted with the Schuyler sisters not too long ago. “Shit, yes. I’ve needed a drink since John Adams told me not to debate with him even if his statements are ignorant and downright wrong.”

Mulligan snorted. “John Adams...the professor?”

“Leave it to Alexander Hamilton to make a nemesis out of his professor,” Lafayette said, unamused.

 

John Adams was a piece of shit who didn’t deserve any knowledge that Alexander was ready to share. He rather loved listening to how society has fallen anyway so what was the point?

“John Adams is pretty stupid,” John said. Alexander’s breath hitched when John shot him a smile and how dare he fucking _wink_ at him. “I mean have you seen his haircut?”

“John, you’re so gay,” Lafayette deadpanned, raising a mirror to look at himself in the mirror, then shook his head. “You’re gay but you really can’t tie my hair for shit.”

“Listen, Gilbert,” John said. Alexander tried not to laugh with how John had switched the names up. “Your hair is a lion’s mane and whoever takes care of it is a patient and kind soul. I’m sweating from just tying your hair.”

Mulligan laughed. “He actually taught himself how to maintain his hair because hair stylists hated him.”

“Wow, Marie, you’re so high maintenance,” Alexander teased.

“Let’s just go to the damned club,” Lafayette grumbled. “Friday night.”

Mulligan hummed in agreement then, as an afterthought, added. “Heard the Schuylers would be there.”

Alexander grinned. He would finally get to introduce John to them with a proper reason. They have been pestering him about him so much and maybe they deserved to meet John with all the shit that’s been happening. “Is that right?”

Lafayette sat up straighter. “Mon amie, Margarita, will be there.”

“I’ll introduce you to them,” Alexander said, excitement bubbling in his chest. He evidently did not notice the apparent frown on John’s face. “They’re like the guardian angels of activists.”

John seemed to be cut off from his reverie and replied. “That would be nice. It’s time to finally see what the talk is all about.”

Hercules scrunched up his nose. “That is like a line from ages ago. Jesus, Laurens, have some modernization.”

John gave out a tired laugh. “Fuck off, Herc.”

 

 

Alexander, if he wasn’t excited already, was even more hyped due to the music. The only thing he didn’t like were the teenagers practically eating each other as if they had no shame. Also, he should not have borrowed a shirt from Lafayette because it’s too tight but not tight enough that he should wear some nipple tape. Honestly, tight shirts make him feel so fat and he hoped John did not notice how pudgy he truly was.

“John Laurens,” Alexander called, once he spotted the Schuyler sisters. He took John’s hand to pull him in. “This is Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy.”

John smiled easily. Alexander has always admired how calm the other man was whereas he was always anxious. “Hello, I’ve heard so much about you guys.”

Alexander tried ignore how Eliza looked at their linked hands. He’s hoping she doesn’t point it out. “John Laurens, Alex talks about you all the fucking time.”

“All the time,” Angelica said, emphasizing every word. Alexander shoots her a glare, quickly disappearing when John looks at him.

John gave Alexander a pointed look. “All good things I hope, Alexander.”

“I promise,” Alexander grinned, squeezing his hand softly. He lets go of his hand, opting to wrap his arm around John’s shoulders instead because he was afraid he’d get sweaty palms; This action gets another look from Eliza. “Besides, you’re amazing.”

John was trying to hide his smile and Alexander thinks that it’s quite cute. “Did the arrogant Alexander Hamilton just compliment me? How flattering”

Peggy groaned. “When will you introduce us to boys you aren’t sleeping with?”

Alexander, for the life of him, tries to hide his blush by covering it up with a bored look. “I’m not sleeping with him.”

“He’s not sleeping with me.”

“--or dating.”

“We’re not dating.”

Peggy waved her hand dismissively. “Denial.”

Eliza rolled her eyes. “Do take care of Alex for me, he’s a nightmare upon himself.”

John laughed. “I thought it was just me thinking that.”

“We literally had to sing him a song just so he could join us on a trip,” Angelica said, rolling her eyes. Oh, he remembered that. It’s rather cringey how much of an asshole he was to them. “It’s broadway and it’s a bit of a rap and...it’s complicated.”

Alexander couldn’t help but blush now, puffing his cheeks slightly. “That was one time.”

“You’re impossible, Alexander,” John said, snorting.

Peggy cocked her head to the side. “Do you always call him Alexander? Isn’t that mouthful? We just call him Alex.”

All Alexander could think about was _I like your name_ and if his heart could just calm down then that would be nice. “What would you prefer I call him?”

“Baby girl,” Peggy teased, waggling her eyebrows. “Call him ‘baby girl’ or you know just ‘Alex’ is fine...if you’re boring.”

Eliza laughed while Alexander tried to pray for the earth to swallow him whole. “She’s into gay stuff so don’t mind her.”

“Baby girl,” John said, said man couldn’t exactly contain his reaction.“I kind of like it.”

Peggy squealed, pushing and pulling on Eliza’s sleeve. “My fucking heart.”

“I have to admit, there is something weird about your ex-boyfriend being called ‘baby girl’,” Eliza joked.

Alexander bursted out laughing at the funny situation they were in. “Oh god fuck, Eliza. I’m not even sorry.”

“Baby girl, we should get back to our friends,” John said, laughing a bit. They spotted Mulligan looking exasperated as Lafayette seemed to use his arms so he could twirl around in some sort of one sided dance. It was ridiculous how fast he got drunk, but then again Lafayette loved to act drunk so they never really knew the difference.

“Oh--oh I...” Alexander stuttered. He needed to talk to Eliza about this.

“Alex,” Eliza must have sensed it. “Can I talk to you for a minute.”

Alexander looked at Eliza then John. “Go ahead, I’ll catch up with you.”

“Alright, Alex.” John shrugged, bounding towards Mulligan and Lafayette.

_Did he just call me ‘Alex’? Is he mad?_

 

Alexander was really nervous about tonight because it was the first time that he has ever introduced someone he’s properly crushing on to the three sisters and who knew how they would react? John seemed to enjoy talking to them so maybe now he can release a sigh of relief because to hell with it if they can’t interact well.

“John Laurens, huh?” Eliza smirked.

Alexander scratched the back of his head, blushing. He looked over the John who was downing a shot. “He really makes me happy.”

Eliza takes hold of both of his hands, smirking. “Is it ‘cause of the baby girl thing?”

Alexander blushed at her laughter. “ _Not just that_.”

“I’m sorry,” Eliza said, breathing. “He seems like a genuinely nice guy and I hope I get to know him more. Alexander, I think you’ve found someone great.”

“Thank you,” Alexander said, eyes gleaming with gratitude and happiness. He looked at John, who was currently staring at his shot glass ( _was that his third?_ ), then back to Eliza. “But I don’t think I’m ready and I don’t think he’s...” he doesn’t say.

Eliza leans in and gently wraps her arms around him. “Alex, it won’t be like that.”

Really? Because he’s not too sure. This might be the calm before the store, a time wherein he’s being fooled to think that maybe things could go right and things would be right. It’s a familiar setting, he’s been in it before and he foolishly dived into a situation farther from what it looks like on the surface. He will tread now, he won’t dive.

He pulled away, mischievously eyeing her up and down. “You seemed all dressed up today. I’m guessing Maria is here?”

She rolled her eyes and fanned herself the way she did whenever she was embarrassed. “ _Absolutely not._.”

 

“I’ll introduce her to you soon don’t you worry your frilly little knickers,” Alexander laughed.

“Do you promise that?”

“Of course!” Alexander paused. “No promises about her falling for me though.”

“That’s not happening,” she snorted, then glared. “It better not.”

“I am very charming.”

She groaned. “God’s sake. Get back to your man.”

“See you around,” Alexander said, flashing her a smile. He walked towards Lafayette and Mulligan, eyebrows scrunching up when he didn’t see John with them. He slid inside the booth. “Where’s John?”

“He’s found a man,” Lafayette snickered, pointing at a direction just behind him. Alexander looked back, feeling himself deflate when he saw John leaning on the bar with...was that _Remi_? “I’m so happy for him.”

“Yeah,” Alexander heard himself say. He leans back on his chair. “Still got some shots left, Marie?”

“ _Oui_ ,” Lafayette smirked.

It was weird. He should have been mad at Remi for stealing away what could possibly be one of the best things that has happened to him, second only to finding a support group that he referred to as his friends and family. The only thing he feels right now is...comprehension. Of course John and Alexander would be such an impossible thing. Alexander knows that he is akin to a used up sex doll. No one would want that.

Alexander downs a shot.

He sits in a way wherein he can see John and Remi but also not turn his back on Lafayette and Mulligan. He regrets it when he sees Remi eye John up and down while the other man laughed.

Another shot.

John’s back was towards him but somehow Alexander knew that he was comfortable around Remi and he was also possibly smiling and laughing at everything the other man said.

Another.

And he would like to go there and grab his hand to take him away but what right did he have? He couldn’t even properly hold John’s hand until recently and one of the times they held hands was so that he could prove a point and that point was that he could touch someone--finally touch someone--without the feeling of burning.

Another.

If John returned his feelings would Alexander still feel the same or would he feel some sort of unease that came whenever he lets someone new into his life. He doesn’t even know John that well; he doesn’t even know when his birthday is and yet he was thinking of something so far from the both of them.

Another.

He does not see a future with John.

Another.

He wants to.

Another.

Remi was a remarkable man, a charming man. He could have easily hooked anyone and wrap them around his finger with just a smile. He’d make John happy. John would make _him_ happy.

Another.

At least John didn’t hurt him.

Another.

But it does hurt.

Another.

He doesn’t want John to be with anyone else.

Another.

He wants John.

Another.

_John._

Another.

Mulligan holds the shot glass. “Alexander, slow down.”

Said man deflated. “Sorry.”

“Are you alright, _mon petit lion_ ,” Lafayette asked, seemingly sobering up but not really. He was never truly drunk after all “Slow down on your drink. It’s not going anywhere.”

“Weren’t you drunk just a minute ago, Gilbert?” Alexander asked. “Come on, have a bit of fun.”

“You’re eating your words,” Mulligan snorted. “Come off it.”

Alexander stares at him, then downs another shot. “Alright.”

“You’re such an--” Lafayette hunches over. “I think...I think I need to vomit now. Excuse me.”

Alexander makes a move to go after him but Mulligan sits him down with just a warning look. “I’ll go after him. Alex, please try to stay here and sober up.”

“I’m nuh even dr--” okay so maybe he was but he will not admit it. He knew that the alcoholic drinks he drank will stew in him and hit him harder just a minute later, but why not speed it up? He watched Mulligan disappear amongst the crowd.

Why was he doing this to himself? Why does he always drag himself down? He knew he deserved happiness and that the dark past is...well is just that, it’s the past. This keeps going back and forth and he’s honestly so tired of it but what else can he do about it except wallow in self hate. He really does hate himself but somehow he is still breathing and---and what?

He’s hungry.

He wants Mcdonalds.

He searches around for someone to take him there but Mulligan and Lafayette were gone and John was his only option. The ideal partner would be Mulligan because he could carry Alexander’s weight but he wasn’t available at the moment so he lifts himself up and drags his dead weight body towards John. He just hoped the other man won’t hate him for crashing what could be a potential date.

He sees Remi smile at him ( _that bastard_ ) and then say something to John who looked back and flashed Alexander a worried look. John excused himself from the conversation and immediately went towards Alexander ( _hah, I’m more important than Remi_ ), an arm looping easily around his waist.

“Jesus. Alex...baby girl...Alexander, are you okay?” John asked. Alexander felt bad about how he made John worry about him. “How many did you drink? Where are our friends?”

Alexander, for a moment, forgot who ‘Mulligan’ and ‘Lafayette’ were. He’ll worry about them later because he is very much hungry. “Can we get Mcdonalds?”

John laughed, setting Alexander’s heart ablaze. “Of course, Alex. There’s a Mcdonalds right next to this place.”

They stumbled out of the bar with John carrying him with ease, much to Alexander’s surprise. John felt warm, stark contrast to the cold weather that simply just wanted to bite his cheeks. He realized that John used ‘baby girl’ just moments ago as if it was a common thing for the both of them. _Baby girl_. He liked it.

“You like what?” John asked. Did he just say that out loud? Damn his filter was off tonight, he needed to be careful.

Alexander stared, kind of frozen. “Nothing. I kind of want fries? And do they sell beer at Mcdonalds?” What did he just say?

“Right,” John chuckled. “And no they don’t sell beer.”

“Fuck. They should start selling them and call it ‘Mcbeer’ and just sometimes kinda mix it in their burgers,” Alexander slurred. What was he saying? Someone shut him up. “Oh my god can you imagine? A Mcbeerger.”

John does not need to hear a joke he created four years ago when he was experimenting with marijuana.

Alexander grunted when John topples over him while laughing, but he smiles at the sound of John’s laugh. He liked hearing his laugh especially if he is the reason as to why he was laughing. “Oh my god I adore you, Hamilton.”

They managed to make their way to Mcdonalds without any injuries. John had sat Alexander down near the window and Alexander has never seen John so nervous in a Mcdonalds before. John went to order their food and Alexander couldn’t help but feel special with the way John kept flashing him worried looks. He had his undivided attention. He loved attention.

“Hey, you know what?” Alexander said when John finally went back.

“I’m scared to ask,” John said, pushing the fries towards Alexander. “But what?”

“I think you’re really beautiful,” Alexander said, then his eyes widened. He should not have said that but it’s out there so how the hell will he save himself without making shit too obvious? He might as well say something else...right? “I mean not beautiful--just you’re really...uh I don’t have a word for people like you. I--ugh--alluring? Charming? They all seem like such an understatement. I could write an essay about you.”

“Alex, you’re drunk.” Alexander frowned, disheartened. Did he not articulate it well? And just because he’s drunk doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean what he said. “But thank you...for the compliment. I’ve never been complimented like that before.”

Alexander felt his heart leap. “That was hardly a compliment, John. You deserve so much more than that.”

“Baby girl,” John said. “Really. Thank you. It may be a drunk compliment but it’s still a compliment.”

 

_Starlight freckle._

“Freckles,” Alexander blurted.

“What?”

“I want to count them.”

John snorted. “More or less ten. Anyway, eat your french fries before they get soggy.”

“I like soggy fries,” Alexander pouted.

“Gross.”

Alexander squawked, finding this ordeal rather unfair. “Well--well you like cold coffee.”

“Oh, you got me,” John said, holding his hands up. “I’m defeated.”

 

And if John’s fond smile made his heart flutter, he had deniability. There’s a silence between them that Alexander wanted to fill but he also wanted to eat his soggy fries. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable but he just felt like there’s something he needed to say to him, something that he himself doesn’t know or maybe it’s just the alcohol and he’s completely bonkers.

One thing is for sure, Alexander wanted to cuddle.

He will not— _never_ —admit that out loud. Okay, so how he will he do this without completely exposing his inner most desires? Well, again, John was an absolutely nice guy so maybe...”hey, why don’t you stay over at my place?”

John shook his head. _No, I want to cuddle._. “I can’t impose.”

“Come on,” Alexander pouted. _Will this work?_ “My boarding house is nearer and you’re drunk, I mean I’m drunker but whatever, and I’m not letting you go home alone.”

“I could pretend to be a cis-gendered white boy and be safe?” John grinned. _Cuddles._

“No,” Alexander said, trying to make it sound as nonchalant as possible. “You can’t do shit.”

John chuckled. “Fine, fine.”

“Yay,” he said weakly.

“I didn’t know you were so concerned, baby girl.”

_God, preserve me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm sorry for that late update.
> 
> I've been drowning in:  
> \- photo editing  
> \- shane dawson's conspiracy theory videos (u should watch it)  
> \- sadness  
> \- school
> 
> I'm trying to wrap this story up as quick as I can for you guys + also finishing my Dragon Age one which is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever had to fucking write. Have a good day! Thank you!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little chapter to cater to your fluffy needs

It was literally 7:30AM so why was Alexander awake? He woke up warm, weirdly enough. He was usually cold in the mornings. A soft groan. Oh right, he made John stay the night, embarrassingly telling him that they could share one bed. They have shared a bed before so this time is no different.

John was in Alexander’s boarding house.

 

John was in Alexander’s room.

 

John was on Alexander’s bed.

And Alexander is simply on his side, eyes taking in the image of John all strewn up in the sheets and just really natural. The light was slowly creeping on the boy’s hair, giving him another accentuated halo much like before. Alexander didn’t see him as beautiful, instead he saw something else. He saw safety, he saw his light. 

He quickly slashes down that thought because it was too soon for any assumptions to be made. It was cliche but he felt this push and pull between admitting and not admitting. He was maybe only making himself miserable by not letting himself fall, by not letting himself fully trust.

But for now there is this. There is slow breathing and occasionally flared up nostrils. There is the morning light seeping through and there is calm. There is John beside him and that is simply enough.

He fades back to sleep.

 

 

 

He faded back in a little while later and he was aware that John was awake so he says his name—well tries. He might have said “Joh” which is a bit embarrassing. He feels John ruffling his hair and a ghost of a kiss on his forehead. For a minute, he forgets boundaries and snuggles in closer to the boy. Was this okay? He hoped John wasn’t uncomfortable. 

“Alexander, how are you feeling?” John asked, voice soft and gentle. It was such a nice voice to hear after last night’s fiasco.

Alexander hummed. “I want to die.”

John laughed and Alexander winced (“ _Sorry, Alexander._ ). It was beautiful but it was too loud. “Let me fetch you some water.”

“No,” Alexander whined. He still wanted to cuddle. “Stay here with me...please.”

“Alex, you smell like death,” John groaned but Alexander knew that he didn’t mean anything by it because he was smiling.

Alexander whined. Wow, he was whiney today. He didn’t care. “Don’t want to move.”

“What a child,” John complained. “Do you remember anything from last night?”

 _Oh, God._ “Mcbeerger.”

 

John slithered out of his hold to go downstairs. Alexander felt his cheeks ache at that point, he briefly wondered how long he was smiling for. He looked out the window, squinting as the light glared at him. He couldn’t help but think that it would be a nice day. Alexander felt around the sheets for his phone, sighing in relief when he finds it.

 

 **From: Angry Democrat 2**  
Peggy, Eliza, and I approve of your boy 

**From: Peg-guin**  
You owe me! I made him call you ‘baby girl’. Oh, jesus, my heart could not take. 

**From: Queen Elizabeth**  
Maria literally locked eyes with me. Fuckkkk.

 **From: Queen Elizabeth, Peg-guin, Angry Democrat 2**  
Also, hope you got home safe

Alexander looks up with a smile when John enters the room handing him a glass of water. It’s funny how the first drop that touched his tongue made him realize how thirsty he really was. John smiles a bit as he watched Alexander down that drink as he easily as he downs his shots.

“I just have to write something.” A pang of inspiration just suddenly slapped Alexander upright in the face so he crawls towards his desk to get pen and paper. He’d usually opt for the laptop but pen and paper increases his creative progress. 

He could hear John roll in the background and then the button sounds from his phone before the boy decided to stand up and scout the room for something. Alexander only stopped writing when John grabbed the pen from his hand. He really should be mad but he shrugged grabbed another one. He didn’t mind it if it was John.

The thing is, Alexander did not know what exactly to write. He was just slapped by inspiration out of nowhere, it greedily hid all the words he should be using right now. His eyebrows knitted together in its usual concentration. He began to jot down words that felt right to write. _Light. Embers. Warmth. Calm. Stars. Lead. Abyss._ It all felt like it was making a story. 

He has always found words beautiful. They were like mini-galaxies composed of planets of capitalizations and stars with dusts of lower cases. They were all unique, each having its own meaning and its own use. They had purpose; they have purpose as soon as the ink is seeped into paper. They could be curved up in the edges, resembling that of gentleness in their own tone or they could be sharp edges and large spaces for an air of formality. Amazingly, they enabled people to understand each other. They stopped wars and started them. They were so much more than ink on paper. 

Purpose.

What was a purpose? Has he found his purpose yet? He sometimes ventured on existentialism but has found himself trying to ignore it, knowing that it won’t help if he dabbled on the unknown and the dark crevices of his mind. But he does sometimes wonder about his own existence. Did he live here simply because he was a pawn in someone else’s story or...? 

His thoughts are cut short— _thank God_ —by John’s heavy handed sketching. He looks behind him to see what it was about and he actually smiles to himself as he sees John’s hyperfocused face, lines etched into him and tongue stuck out. He wanted to touch his face, tell him to calm down. His sketches will always look beautiful.

“John.”

John looked up. “Yeah?”

“You seem troubled,” Alexander pointed out.

John grinned, a clicking sound resounding between them and it only meant he stopped himself from laughing. Alexander knew this. “If I do then it’s because of you. I was drawing your facial expression and somehow mimicked it.”

“You were drawing me?” Alexander looked at him in awe. He immediately left his pen and paper to go to him. “Let me see!”

John made a whining noise and tried to move away but Alexander managed to grab the paper away from the artist. “It’s not that great.”

“Oh come on, Laurens.” Why did John make him look so beautiful and he masks his awe and admiration with a scowl and an on-hand quip. “Do more justice with the length of my nose. I do appreciate some generosity.”

John snorted. “If I were to be more generous, you’d have a trunk.”

Alexander rolled his eyes, indignant. “Imagine if Donald Trump had a trunk, a Trump trunk.”

John nodded, considering it. “Donald Trunk.” He rolled his eyes. “Your puns are still bad even when you’re sober.”

“Honestly, John, this drawing is phenomenal,” Alexander said, smiling. It seemed like John even managed to do some shading. Did that light hit him that well? He wanted to pocket this. “Can I keep it?”

“What?” John frowned, leaning in to take the drawing. _No, mine_. Which one was his...exactly? The drawing, of course. Was he sure? “Let me just draw you another one.”

Alexander pulled back, shielding the drawing so that John couldn’t get it. _It was his._ “No...I like this. I’ll keep it.”

“Let me at least fix your nose.”

“No. It’s already perfect.”

* * *

Alexander was completely swallowed by Sherlock, eyes trained on his laptop as if his life depended on it. There are not a lot of shows that can intrigue his magnificent mind but this show just captivated him like no other. It was clever and witty and Sherlock Holmes was everything he wanted to be. A high functioning sociopath had a nice ring to it. He tensed when he heard a rather obnoxious squeal from beside him. 

He looked over to Eliza who cuddled a pillow whilst looking at her phone. “Should I ask?” 

“You really shouldn’t,” she muttered. 

“Alright.” 

Few seconds.

Another squeal.

Few minutes. 

Another squeal.

He sighed, pausing his show. “I’ll bite.” He moved closer to Eliza. “What is that?” 

“It’s stupid,” Eliza said, moving her phone away from his view. “You’ll find it stupid.” 

“My dear Eliza, I find everything stupid,” Alexander said. “Now, pray tell what it is your squealing about because it’s distracting.” 

“Well...that is true,” Eliza said, carefully letting her phone me shown. “I’m just checking out mine and Maria’s zodiac signs and our compatibility.” 

Alexander gave her a dead look. “That’s stupid.”

“I told you!” She groaned, covering her eyes as she leaned back. “The hell am I doing with my life?” 

“Not enough, Betsey,” he quipped. 

“Anyway, it says here that we have a warm and passionate connection,” she gushed, getting all pink in the face. “I mean we both have strong personalities, but don’t you think it would be hot?”

He nods stiffly. “Very.” 

“You’re such a fake friend,” Eliza said, rolling her eyes. “It just says here that we’re _hot, hot, hot!_ ” 

“I’m sorry I asked,” Alexander said, scooting away.

“So?” 

He looked at her with her weird smile. “So what?” 

“Don’t you want to check yours?” She wiggled her eyebrows at him, a smirk making its way to his face. 

“Don’t be dumb,” Alexander said, untangling his earphones. He’s trying to escape.

“You’re trying to escape.” 

“Am not,” says the man who already had one of his ears plugged.

“Let the stars tell you if you are meant to be!”

“Good bye.” 

 

 

Alexander found himself sitting on the couch with Lafayette half sitting and half slipping off on the other end. Mulligan was on his phone, once in a while releasing a breath through his nose which indicated a lazy laugh. John was sitting down in front of his laptop, eyebrows knitted together in sheer concentration.

“Your birthday is coming up,” Mulligan says, eyes still on his phone. 

John hummed from where he sat. “I suppose it is.” 

“Anything you want?” Lafayette asked. 

“I’ve been really into galaxies recently,” John said, giving a thoughtful look. “But anything is fine. I don’t expect anything.”

The coincidence is idiotic to say the least and Alexander is rather very tired of strange coincidences. He pursed his lips and googled what the hell his zodiac sign was and it turned out that John was a Scorpio. He didn’t know what he was expecting, maybe a Libra? Okay, this was stupid. 

He shouldn’t be doing this.

He didn’t even believe in this bullshit.

But were they compatible?

They were—they _would_ be a dynamic couple, one that would send everyone staring at them because of how compatible they were. Their sexual life would be enjoyable, often driven by emotional connection. They were on par when it came to intellectual capabilities and they both knew what they wanted. They were strong personalities that can somehow blend with each other to form something beautiful.

If stars aligned, this could be _something_. He shook his head vigorously. This was stupid and he maybe also now understood why Eliza was sucked into this thing. He started to wonder if there was any truth to these things, if somehow it was kind of true. Well, if it was true, wouldn’t everyone just not have relationship problems? 

“What are you looking at?” John asked. 

“Nothing,” Alexander snarled, hiding his phone in his pocket. He then looked up at John’s startled and mildly hurt expression. “Oh, I’m sorry.” 

John gave a breathy laugh. “It’s alright I...I startled you.” 

“Sorry,” Alexander sighed, hand gently pulling on John’s pointer finger. “I was just looking at something private.” 

“To be fair, he was calling your name,” Lafayette said. 

Mulligan snorted. “You have to excuse Alexander’s remarkable ability to focus and shut us out.” 

“Oh shut it,” Alexander groaned. “I was just looking at something important. Anyway, what did you want?” 

John pulled his hand back, going to sit beside Alexander. “I was just going to ask for your birth date.” 

“Doesn’t matter,” Alexander shrugged. 

“Well,” John frowned. “I just kinda wanted to check your zodiac thing.” 

God should give him a break.

* * *

Alexander sat in one of John’s classes, mildly irritated because he could not understand one word the professor was uttering but he got to stare at John whilst he was in deep concentration so it was okay. He was at the seat at the back, eyes trained at the back of John’s head while he listened to the medical jargon he can’t quite fathom. 

John’s head bobbed up and down as he took down notes, all the while nodding to whatever his professor said. He was, of course, that guy in class who always paid attention even though the others were practically falling asleep. He can’t quite help but take down notes too, just little snippets so that he could wonder about it later when he had the time. 

Oh, but why was he in John’s class? They were supposed to grab a bite to eat but John forgot that he had a lecture on the time of their meet up so Alexander just wormed himself in the class, telling John that that particular professor didn’t give a shit about anything even though he didn’t really know who the professor was and he was just relying on sheer intuition. 

He was jolted awake when he felt his phone vibrate. 

 

 **From: Sunspots**  
You okay back there?

 **To: Sunspots**  
I’m wondering how you manage to stay awake

 **From:Sunspots**  
Willpower 

**To:Sunspots**  
Pay attention, Laurens. 

 

He didn’t know how but he knew John smiled when he read his text before he put his phone back in his pocket. They were supposed to be drinking coffee and sharing some weird chocolate bread dessert but this is what it has all come to. Of course.

“Laurens.” 

“Yes, sir.” Alexander looked up to see the professor’s eyes trained on John. 

“Don’t make it a habit to smile at your crotch.” Alexander all but snorted, covering it with a cough as he pretended to take down notes again. He knew John was red in the face as he buried his face in his notebook. After twenty minutes, the class was dismissed. 

John went up to him, a small glare on his face. “I hate you.”

Alexander snorted. “It wasn’t my fault.”

“You owe me coffee,” John said, ignoring his statement. “You owe me coffee and a pastry.” 

“I don’t have much money on me,” Alexander whined, following him out of the classroom. 

John’s eyebrows scrunched together. “You owe me your time.” 

“It is yours to waste,” Alexander grinned. They walked side by side, lazily talking about some of the weird jargon Alexander managed to pick up during the class. John would nod along, giving him some context when it was needed. It was just one of those days where they were following each other. They are both leading each other to god knows where. 

One word that could probably describe them best was ‘easy’ because they were. It was an easy flow, things going on quite easily without either of them trying. Synchronized steps. Eye contact not needed but welcomed. Shoulders brushing. They were best friends. 

“And you listen to this kind of thing everyday?” Alexander asked, exasperated. 

“Pretty much,” John said, shrugging. 

“You impress me in so many ways.” 

“Like, you know, paying attention in class.” Alexander chuckled at that. “You’re easy to amuse, Alexander.” 

“I am a man of simplicity,” the man shrugged. 

John slowly came to a stop. “Want to have coffee here? They make good chocolate bread thingamabobs.” 

“Alright.” 

Alexander thought that the coffee shop was a bit too dainty for his strong personality but it immediately gave him a sense of calm and warmth. The interior was all wooden, a stark contrast to the cold hearted cemented New York. It was a good change and it somehow refreshed him.

John picked the couch seat in the corner, something that got Alexander a bit too excited because he absolutely loved corners. It made him feel safe and secure. He liked to eat with his back to a wall, the doors of the restaurant always in view. It was a paranoid thing for him to do but it made him feel at ease. 

Alexander goes for black coffee and John goes for that weird hot strawberry milk which he thinks is so like John. They decide to split the chocolate bread because they weren’t all that hungry and because their money might have fallen short because John may have bought a gym subscription and Alexander bought three books that he could not read because he was working non-stop. 

Why a gym subscription?

Eh, I’ve gained a few. It’s a stress reliever too.

Can’t imagine you lifting weights. 

I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders everyday.

Oh, haha. 

Alexander unlocked his phone just as John decided to go through his notes. He needed to type something out, sudden smack of inspiration in the middle of their conversation. He also had to do it quick because he didn’t want his coffee to get cold. If he could drink coffee as if it were shots then he would definitely do it. 

It was basically a slow day for the both of them, but then again this day was just like any other day they had. Strangely, he doesn’t get tired of it. He’s not particularly sure why because even then he also wanted space from time to time, he knew he could get space anytime but he chooses to be close to John. 

“The sun set is pretty.” John’s voice brings him back the way it always did. 

Alexander gave him a confused look then turned his head towards the window of the cafe. It was true. He wasn’t sure when the day started to suddenly melt to an end. He was too absorbed into what he was typing. The sky glowed a lavender swirl with orange specks and dots of blue. He hardly did anything today. He was sure he wasted his time in John’s class and then spent his time with John silently sat in this cafe.

And, still, he was sure he enjoyed his day. “It is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and supporting me! 
> 
> Tell me if you have a fluffy moment idea in your head or any of the following scenes:  
> \- small argument  
> \- fluffy moment  
> \- bonding with their shared friends  
> \- perceived one sided pining  
> \- Alex and anxiety  
> \- Alex and his past  
> Tell me any of your ideas and perhaps I can incorporate it before I end this story.


	9. Chapter 9

“So... _hypothetically_...” Alexander puts his book down to look at Lafayette who was sat cross legged in between his legs. “...if a monkey could shop what do you think would be their favorite brand?”

First of all, why was Lafayette sat in between his legs. It was not _that_ comfortable but it seems the French man has favored it. “It would probably be Kipling.”

Lafayette hums, considering it. “I suppose it would be.”

Alexander frowned. “What’s wrong, Lafayette?”

“There’s nothing wrong.” The mention of his preferred name made him sit straighter. “It’s really...small.”

Alexander placed his book on the bed side table before he slid up to a sitting position, mimicking that of Lafayette’s. “We’ve just had sex, I’m betting you can be a little bit more better at this pillow talk. Monkey topics aren’t really ideal.”

“Does my promiscuity disturb you?” Lafayette asked, facing him head on.

He could feel the cum rag on the floor glaring at him as if to say ‘ _I dare you_ ’. “No.”

“But, see, you’re different,” Lafayette groaned, lying on his side as he covered his face. “ _So_ unreadable.”

“He or she?”

“Doesn’t matter.” It does but he doesn’t wish to disclose.

“Well, _they_ shouldn’t give a shit on what you choose to do with your body,” Alexander said. “Fuck someone or don’t fuck someone. It’s not going to change you. It’ll make you less horny but it won’t change you.”

Lafayette looked at him then straight ahead to the headboard. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t even know what goes in that head of theirs. I was hoping I was already upfront with my own feelings, but I guess...not.”

“Upfront as in...?”

“Is physical intimacy not enough?” Lafayette exclaimed.

Alexander rolled his eyes. “You’re physically intimate with everyone who gets your name right.”

“Sod off,” Lafayette hissed, then released a sigh. “It’s hard to do it in words especially since they don’t really respond to my advances. They respond to me how they would respond to their friends.”

He patted the French man’s hair. “It’s alright, Marie.”

“Sometimes I disgust myself,” Lafayette said. “What’s the point of this? What’s the point of us doing this? Does it give me joy? Probably in the moment but not always.”

The other man looked at him helplessly. He doesn’t know what to say and should really work on his comforting skills because this was just painful. “Roch, come on.”

“Sorry,” Lafayette sighed. “I made this uncomfortable.”

Alexander squeezed Lafayette’s cheeks. “You don’t have to be sorry about opening up to me, dummy. You are delightful and loved and if that person doesn’t see how great you are just because your dick is playful then it’s their loss.”

Lafayette bursted out laughing. “My dick is playful?”

“I’m just saying...do you want me to comfort you with words or a blow job?” Alexander smirked.

“Can’t you just do both?” He whined.

“I’ll choke,” Alexander deadpanned.

“Yes, talk dirty to me.”

“The first world countries are considered first world countries because they used third world countries and their raw materials to elevate them to their current status.”

“ _Fuck yes._ ”

 

 

  
Alexander began to spend time with Lafayette. It was, at first, because he wanted the French man to feel loved but then he really started to feel weird without Lafayette there so he continued to bond with him. Sure, he missed John but this was also a bit refreshing since Lafayette was feeling the same dismay he felt as he mulled over his own feelings.

On the first ever ‘episode’ of the Laf and Alex bonding, they slept over at Lafayette’s place and they just watched a random documentary as they wore some face masks. It was the gayest thing ever but Alexander enjoyed himself _and_ his face felt baby soft so it was worth it.

On the second episode, they went to a coffee shop that they came across as they randomly walked a few miles away from school. Lafayette was so passionate about the topic of immigrants and Alexander was just as excited about it. They spilled their drinks, Lafayette burned his inner thighs, and Alexander is glad is he saved his laptop on time.

On the third episode, they ate ice cream as they watched ‘how to make a girl/guy like you’ videos. They argued over what actually worked and what didn’t because they had their fair share of flings and relationships. They both agree that they like intellectual and confident beings who are also maybe a bit artistic.

On the fourth episode, Alexander and Lafayette were both sat under a tree with books cluttered around them. They wanted to read but also have a change of scenery and what good timing it was because it rained and the books got wet and they ended up blow drying their books all night while arguing over the concept of time.

On the fifth episode, Mulligan and John joined them. They were out to eat at this Japanese restaurant that, apparently, tasted close to authentic. John kept hoarding the salmon sashimi while Mulligan kept going to the bathroom because the tea tasted phenomenal but his small bladder hated him for it. Alexander enjoyed his dynamite rolls, occasionally stealing some of John’s sashimi. Lafayette’s order was late and it took all his strength to not go to the Mcdonald’s across the street.

On the sixth to ninth episode, they just hung out like normal. There was nothing special going on, they were just working together in the same room. When Alexander was finished and it was before 9PM, he’d go home and if it was past that time he would sleep over. Lafayette would often be gone when he woke up because he had morning classes.

On the tenth episode, they had sex.

“You’re really out of it, Joseph,” Alexander said, wincing when Lafayette pulled on his hair too tight. “I mean you’re usually noisier than this. Are you trying to imagine the one you like fucking you instead of me? _Hurtful_.”

Lafayette grunted. “Talk less, fuck more.”

“And then there goes my boner,” the man snorted. “You shouldn’t bring up Burr during climax.”

“I mean I— _fuck_ —I try but you make this too easy,” Lafayette breathed. “Alex, I’m...”

“Yes, I know,” Alexander said, having the strength to actually roll his eyes.

Lafayette pulled Alexander’s hair harder. “You and your stupid composure.”

“You and your hair pulling kinks,” he shot back.

“I do _not_ have kinks,” Lafayette said, struggling to stop his voice from shaking.

“Seriously? I must be hitting the right spo—”

A moan.

White knuckled sheets, then a grunt.

A moment of silence.

“Surely you could have been more lewd.”

Lafayette glared at him. “And you could have been quieter, but we all make mistakes.”

“I feel like it’s too boring if I stay quiet,” Alexander pouted, walking around to see where their (freshly washed) cum rag was.

“Are you saying sex with me is boring?” Lafayette asked, feigning offense.

“Not what I meant, Gilbert,” Alexander said, wiping himself down then throwing the rag to Lafayette.

“Well it seems like—”

“I have nuggets and doughnuts!” A voice exclaimed, followed by the sudden realization that it was John who stormed into the apartment.

Alexander’s heartbeat picked up its pace as he hurriedly put his pants on and _shit_ did he just miss a spot of cum on his chest? Disgusting. What would he think? “It’s John.”

“Yeah,” Lafayette said, hesitating. “You look like you’re having a mini panic. It’s just John.”

 _It’s just John._ “I—yeah. I don’t know, my mind must have registered slow.”

“Jonathan!” Lafayette said cheerily as he went out the room followed by an apprehensive Alexander Hamilton.

John seemed to pause as he watched Alexander come out the room all mussed up hair and _oh my god he forgot to put a shirt on_ , but then he flashed Alexander with his usual smile. “I have come bearing gifts.”

Somehow it made him feel uneasy. “John.”

“Nugget?” John said, smiling and offering him one.

“No thanks,” Alexander said, then neared him. “Are you okay?”

John stepped away. “I’m fine, _Alex._ ” Alexander winced. “Sorry, Alexander. I might be—I’m just tired.”

“Oh...Oh okay,” Alexander nodded. “Thank you for the food.”

“It’s not a problem,” John replied.

What was happening? Alexander didn’t know what to say. He felt like something was wrong with not only the situation but also himself. He felt somewhat...uncomfortable in his own skin for once. He looked into John’s eyes and there was the usual adornment but he felt like he did not deserve it.

* * *

John was not texting him

John was not texting him at all. He is not used to this silence or this loneliness, not even a little bit. He starts leaving his phone in his room a lot, can’t cope with the fact that he won’t be able to see a notification from “Sunspots”.

There is something in between the lines, something he figured out a tad bit late since he was soaked up in his own emotions. Sure, it was stupid to just feel like he had to be loyal to John and only John even if the man wasn’t even aware of Alexander’s feelings for him but it just felt right to do this. He feels less tainted.

And, maybe, he just felt ready to take these feelings of his seriously.

“You wanted to talk?” Lafayette said.

Alexander nodded. “Yeah.”

“Talk.”

“I think we should stop it,” Alexander said. “The sex thing we have going on.”

“Alright,” Lafayette said, voice laced with... _did he sound relieved?_.

Alexander looked at him with hesitation. “You have no problem with it? You’re not going ask why?”

“I’ll indulge you,” the man snorted. “Why should we end it?”

“Gilbert,” Alexander groaned, rolling his eyes. “Fine. If you care or you don’t care, I don’t care. I’m just stopping this because I don’t feel comfortable with it anymore.”

“Don’t tell me you’re falling in love with me?”

Alexander choked on his coffee, glaring at a laughing Lafayette. “ _Funny._ ”

“I’d hope not,” Lafayette grinned. “I’d have to break your heart.”

“The sex was pretty bad, Paul.”

Lafayette gasped, nose crinkled in disgust. “Well, _I never_.”

“I’m kidding,” Alexander laughed. “I just don’t feel like it anymore.”

“It’s fine, Alex,” Lafayette said. “No hard feelings.”

“We’re alright,” Alexander said, more to himself. “You want me to treat you to your favorite peanut butter ice cream?”

Lafayette shrugged. “Why _nut_?”

“God’s sake.”

 

 

  
**From: Sunspots**  
Hey

Alexander Hamilton will deny the fact that he abandoned all his work for this.

 **To: Sunspots**  
Heyy

 

 **From: Sunspots**  
Imy

 

“Oh so you ignore me and now you miss me?” Alexander exclaimed. “What the fuck? What do you want me to say? I miss you too? Dumbass.”

 

 **To: Sunspots**  
Imy2. You’ve been busy

 

 **From: Sunspots**  
You’re one to talk, Alexander. I bet you’re working on something that’s due in three weeks.

 

Alexander, in that moment, side eyed the papers he abandoned.

 

 **To: Sunspots**  
You don’t win anything for guessing right

 

 **From: Sunspots**  
I won your attention, didn’t I?

 

 **To: Sunspots**  
You always captivate me, dearest Laurens

 

 **From: Sunspots**  
You’re flirting again

 

“I have been...” Alexander said, glaring at his phone screen. “...for weeks now.”

 **To: Sunspots**  
Think of it what you will

 

These are dangerous waters and he knows it, but he decides to ignore it. He’s rather hopeful yet, at the same time, expecting the worst. It can’t be that bad. If John finds out Alexander likes him he’ll either reject him and wound his heart but still remain friends or, unimaginably, return his feelings.

The latter sounds good.

 **From: Sunspots**  
You amuse me. See you after my class?

 **To: Sunspots**  
You know it.

* * *

“Hey,” John said, pushing away from the wall he was leaning on.

“You’re here,” Alexander grinned.

John gave him a weird look. “Where else would I be if not here?”

Alexander wanted to die then.

* * *

Lafayette has been giving him and John a few weird looks for a while now and it kind of made him wonder what in the hell was happening but he decided to ignore it. Well, he can’t ignore it now that he was kind of cuddling with John on the couch and Lafayette was eyeing them like the annoying twat that he was. He tried to seem unbothered and hopes that John doesn’t notice.

He frowned a bit when he looked up at John only to see his phone blocking his view. He shrugged, it was probably something medical. He cuddles in closer. They were watching documentaries on serial killers, something that Alexander and Hercules were both interested in after watching alien conspiracy theories.

“ _What a whore_ ,” John muttered in a very uncharacteristic tone. Alexander looked up, tense. John looked at him, then smiled sheepishly with his hand rubbing the back of his neck the way it did whenever he was caught doing something really stupid. “Sorry. It was just a **classmate of mine who is really stupid.** ”

Alexander nodded, still confused but he’d rather watch the documentaries than further question his friend’s insanity. He couldn’t, however, ignore how John tensed up a few seconds later.

He mewled. “Hair?”

John rolled his eyes, finally pocketing his phone. His hands went to play with Alexander’s hair, a look of amusement on his face. “Such a child.”

He couldn’t help but smile. “Feels nice.”

“Such a child,” Lafayette said, mocking. Alexander looked at Lafayette, all panicked and worried. Had he figured him out? Was he too obvious?

“Feels nice.” Was it just him or Mulligan was looking right at him. He was about to pull away but stopped when he saw a phone hitting Lafayette square on the cheek. He laughed so hard he almost gave himself cramps. Serves them right.

* * *

Alexander spiralled into a huge clusterfuck of emotions in just half a month. John has been taking more and more of his time and he’s been giving it more and more. He finds that he doesn’t mind but he is also smart enough to have a life of his own. He’s not tied down yet.

Not tied down...

So why is it that he just bought a protein shake and is now headed to the gym where John was about to finish his workout? He glanced at the green drink in his hand, a slight glare on his face. Did he get the right thing? This was what he heard John rave on and on about. He’s amazed that it was actually the best seller there and _ugh_.

He sat on one of the benches outside, proceeding to scroll through his phone. He tried to see if he had anything of interest in his notes like somehow maybe he left himself an unfinished prompt for a story or maybe a dream he thought was good enough to write about.

“Alexander!” He stuffed his phone back in his pocket immediately.

“Hey,” Alexander grinned, giving John the disgusting green juice. “Here’s your health poison.”

“Ah, thanks,” John grinned. Alexander was kind of worried that the man would choke on the drink with how fast he drank it but at least he bought the right drink. Alexander frowned as a young woman walked past them, side eyeing him as if he was some kind of dickhead. What? He was about to tell her off but John cut him off. “Why are you here?”

“I was bored,” Alexander shrugged. “And figured you’d be finished around...this time.”

John nodded. “Well, you’re not wrong. Do you want to eat somewhere?”

“Are you hungry?” Alexander asked.

“Not really,” the man frowned. “You?”

“Nope.”

“What do you want to do then?”

“Walk around?”

John groaned. “I just did leg day—oh come on don’t laugh— do you want to just come back to mine? I’ll make you something that isn’t salad.”

“Deal.” They began to walk. “How was the gym?”

“I had fun,” John replied, readjusting the strap of his bag. “There was a girl who asked for my number.”

It then registers that the woman who side eyed him might have been the same woman who asked for John’s number. “Wow that’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear.”

“You jest but you are curious.”

He was and also he was slightly upset that a girl asked for his number. “No, I’m not.”

“Alex, I’m gay,” John laughed. “There’s nowhere else that would go but me rejecting her.”

“It might just be a phase,” Alexander said in an annoying voice.

He snorted. “Right. How was your day?”

“I got someone fired.”

“ _Alexander._ ”

“He was being rude!” Alexander exclaimed.

“Do I even dare check twitter?”

“Uh...”

“You outed him on social media?”

“JUSTICE!”

“Goodness sake,” John sighed. “What did he do?”

“He was just being rude and unprofessional and I’m gay so...”

“Well,” John said, face contorted into a look that says ‘I guess?’. Alexander felt himself shrink like a child when he felt John put a hand on his head. “Good job.”

Alexander winked at him. “Thanks, baby cakes.”

* * *

“How is your luck with Maria?”

Eliza sighed, sitting down with the saddest look on her face. “What luck?”

“You haven't even talked to her?” Alexander said in disbelief. “Are you kidding me?”

“I get nervous! And she has big boobs and _I can’t._ ”

“Okay, first of all, what do boobs have to do with any—-

“They’re really big, Alexander.”

“ _God_.” Alexander takes Eliza’s glass of wine. “Enough of that, love.”

“Such big boobs.”

They decided to have a stay in dinner date and Eliza’s managed to go through a bottle of red wine before Alexander could even eat half of his steak and Alexander is a fast eater so that was really impressive but also quite worrying. The Schuyler sisters as well as Remi were all either off studying somewhere or getting drunk and hooking up because why the hell not. They are either extremes.

“I’ll get her number for you soon, don’t worry,” Alexander said. “You won’t have to get drunk and look pitiful ever again.”

“I’d regret breaking up with you but I really like Maria.”

“I’ll pretend that that wounded my pride,” Alexander joked. “Anyway, this steak is good.”

“Thanks I cooked it myself.”

“Really?”

“No I got it from Outback. Remi can’t stand the smell of it and I don’t want to have to clean the bathroom when it smells of his vomit.”

“What a good sibling,” Alexander snorted.

“How are you and your boyfriend?” Eliza asked, eyebrows crinkling as she tried to cut through her steak with as much strength as she could with her wine infused system.

“Not my boyfriend,” he corrected. “We’re doing good. It’s confusing me but I’m kind of happy about this.”

“ _Ugh_.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh I mean... _yay_.”

“You’re just jealous that something romantic is happening.”

Eliza snorted. “At least I know we don’t have a label but how about you guys?”

“Fuck off,” Alexander groaned. “I’m working on it.”

“Work at your own pace.”

It surprised him how serious she suddenly became. “Yes I know but can you work in a faster pace?”

“I’m telling you, Alexander,” she sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Those boobs might be the death of me.”

“How is everything?”

Eliza straightened up....or tried to. “Angelica is trying to find a part time job, Peggy is working herself to death because she feels like she lives in our shadows, Remi is pretty calm and chill I mean he’s really skyrocketing but above all else I think he’s trying to find someone to date, and dad misses you.”

“Oh well that’s flattering, tell your dad that I miss our political chats,” Alexander said. He met Eliza’s dad while they were dating and Eliza said he’s never seen her father approve of someone...at all. Alexander and Mr. Schuyler even touched the topic of marriage and Alexander really thought that he’d marry Eliza at one point but they broke up anyway.

“You’re welcome to join him for some afternoon tea,” Eliza said. “He’d honestly rather talk to you than friends his age.”

Alexander rolled his eyes, amused. “I’ll probably talk to Peggy first since I wasn’t aware she’s been having a hard time.”

Oh he was very much aware of Peggy having a hard time. Peggy had opened up to him one night, going as far as to call him with her voice muffled with sniffling. She was upset that she was always looked over, that it was always either Angelica or Eliza but never her. Alexander tried to tell her that that wasn’t true but Peggy replied with “oh yeah? Tell me you didn’t date Eliza but also kind of flirted with Angelica at one point?” to which Alexander replied with a sigh.

 

_I wasn’t aware that I had to like every sibling_

 

_Tell me you wouldn’t date Remi.....you fucking see?_

 

_Peggy, it’s me, not you_

 

_I’m usually good at rationalizing and getting over things but I just...can’t, y’know?_

 

_You’re really amazing though. I don’t understand why you’d ever think that you’re worthless._

 

_The usual overthinking._

 

_Listen, you don’t have to change because you’re amazing and you’re brave beyond belief but if you really wish then you can always change. You can always do things differently. Your siblings don’t get to unknowingly dictate what you should do._

 

_Thanks, Alex._

 

“Angelica is cursing capitalism because she says it’s impossible to find a job—

“Typical.”

“—-and I think Remi has been really...upbeat lately.”

“I would be too if I talked to John,” Alexander looked up to see Eliza staring at him with a look of bewilderment. “Yes, he flirted with John on the night I introduced you guys to him.”

“I’m going to give him a piece of my fucking mind,” Eliza scowled.

Alexander snorted. “Please don’t beat him up.”

“I love my brother! I would never,” she said, hiding behind her glass of water as she downed it. “I’m just surprised he doesn’t know about you and your boyfriend yet.”

“Not my boyfriend.” Alexander poured himself some wine. “Besides, John has a choice whether or not he chooses me.”

Eliza raised a brow. “But?”

“But I’d prefer it if he chooses me or else I’ll spiral down into doom and devastation.”

“That’s what I thought.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's upPPpPp


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...college got really busy. I'm so sorry.

 

_“Read it for me,” Alexander said, chest heavy._

_Eliza stood there, illuminated by the light emitted from a single lit candle. The green of her dress seemed so pale and washed as does everything else. “On Tuesday the 27th, my son was killed in a gunfight against British troops retreating from South Carolina. The war was already over. As you know, John dreamed of emancipating and recruiting 3000 men for the first all-black military regiment His dream of freedom for these men dies with him."_

_And it felt as if everything was crashing down upon him as if the storm from his childhood came to take him back, gripping and clawing on his legs. He wanted to scream, wanted to collapse and break and just **shatter** but somehow he knew Eliza would not understand. _

_What did she know?_

_“Alexander, are you alright?”_

_His best friend is dead._

_No, he couldn’t even describe it in that way. It seemed like a mockery of their memories together. It seemed as though it was inferior to all the true depictions he had of the brave man he knew—-he once knew._

_His dream of freedom dies with John as well._

_“I’ve got so much work to do.”_

 

“Alexander.”

Alexander is jolted awake, feeling an ache on his palm. He unclenches his hand and sees that there are deep nail marks on his palm. He immediately hides his hand from view. “Sorry. What is it?”

“Alexander, are you alright?” John asked, eyebrows knitted together.’

Oh, right. They were doing work together on John’s dining table and they were sat in front of each other and he was safe and it was a weeknight and he had class tomorrow but he was sleeping over and John was looking at him with the most worried look he has ever seen on him.

“I’ve got so much—-” What was he just about to say? “I’ve—-I don’t really feel okay.”

“Well,” John eyed the time on his laptop. “We can take a small break and talk. Would that sound alright?”

‘Yes,” Alexander sighed. “Yes it is.”

John smiled softly. “Let me just make us some coffee.”

* * *

Alexander Hamilton was in a weird mood. He woke up and hit his toe at the edge of his bed and that was the moment he realized that today would not be a good day. Lafayette’s laugh annoyed him. Mulligan’s silence annoyed him. John’s kindness annoyed him. His annoyance with everything annoyed him. It was just one of those days really.

John annoyed him the least, considering the heavy bias so he decided to go along with him to have lunch but it’s not like they don’t always have lunch together.

“I know that Trump is a good candidate...”

“Alexander,” John sighed, eyeing him.

“I’m fine,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Have you seen the debates? Clinton has nothing on him,” the voice said, cocky. “It’s not like some woman who needs a body double can run the fucking country.”

“I’m fine.”

“And imagine...a _woman_.”

“I’m—-”

“Just go,” John sighed.

“You must be out of your god damn mind,” Alexander said, standing short but proud in front of this poor man named Samuel Seabury. He felt himself shake with all the pent up frustration he’s bottled up this whole day—-week—-year. “You can’t seriously think that Donald Trump is a great candidate.”

Samuel shrugged. “If he should win, I’d assume your departure.”

Alexander, from the corner of his eye, saw John tense. He gave his arm a light pat, eyes still pinned on Samuel. “You know he’s against black people, right?”

“So?”

Alexander pinched the bridge of his nose. He cannot believe how many stupid people are still out there existing, even having the gall to breathe the same air as him. “You’re black.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Samuel said, puffing out his chest. Alexander could not believe he was proud of the logic he thought was logic. “He’s a great man.”

Alexander looked at John helplessly, practically crying with frustration. “Do you hear the stupidity in him?”

Samuel’s voice boomed. “He’ll make America great again.”

“But--”

“I’m having none of this.” He was interrupted and he was immediately enraged, his vision almost literally tunneling. He clenched his hands so hard he could feel his own nails digging into his skin.

“Don’t modulate the key then not debate with me,” Alexander snapped. “Why should a stupid white cis-gendered homophobic sexist tyrant receive great power? And for what? To destroy the nation our founding fathers fought for?”

“The founding fathers had slaves,” Samuel said.

“That is not the point,” Alexander sighed. “Really your stupidity amazes me.”

“Hamilton, it may have slipped my mind to compliment you on the scar on your arm,” Samuel smirked, eyes glinting.

He felt his nails drawing blood as he fought the urge to scream. Alexander wanted to both collapse and scream as his brain was bombarded of flashing images, images of things he’s been suppressing for years. How did this man know? “Alexander.”

Alexander grit his teeth. He needed to calm down and get it together, if not for him then for John and his god damned scholarship. “Are you using that against me?”

“Perhaps.” Alexander acted before he could think and because of that Samuel was on the ground, groaning and gently touching his nose. He did not feel good, he only felt fuelled. “Hamilton, what the fuck?”

“Don’t think of me as a damsel,” Alexander said, fiery. He has grown out of that long ago. It was him then and it will never be him now or in the far future. He worked hard for such strength. “I am stronger now.”

 

Alexander stormed out, feeling himself fire up more. “Alexander, what was that about?”

 

“He was being a prick,” Alexander roared, locking eyes with John. He tried to relax but he couldn’t.

John frowned. “What if you get caught? Alexander, your scholarship.”

Alexander pointed an accusing finger towards the direction of the place they came from. “He knows something about me that I can’t even bring myself to tell you and he’s using it to blackmail me. It’s not right to manipulate someone like that, John.”

“Alexander--”

“No, I just...” Alexander let out a frustrated sigh, then looked at his feet angrily. He felt like a stupid child who just threw a tantrum and yet he knew he had every right to be mad at what Samuel said despite the fact that no one knew the reason why. “I’m so fucking tired of being used, John.”

“Will you be okay?” John asked.

“Of course I will be,” Alexander spat. “I’m always going to be okay and I beg of you not to patronize me.”

“Alexander,” John sighed, voice going soft and almost tired.

“John,” Alexander challenged.

Another sigh. “Alright. Should I leave you alone?”

“No, please.” Alexander immediately looked up, feeling his chest drop. He didn’t want John to hate him, he didn’t want to fight with him. He can’t bear the thought of tiptoeing around each other. Should he say something? “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be so harsh.I’d tell you but I’m not sure if you’ll still look at me the same way if I tell you and I know you might be curious as to what could cause that reaction and I just--I’m not ready. I’m sorry I promise I--”

John lightly tugged on Alexander’s hair, smiling softly and comfortingly. Alexander stopped talking and gave him a shaky smile. “It’s fine, Alexander. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Alexander felt his shoulders sag. He’s relieved. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” John said. “Hey, let’s go home?”

 

Home? He has a faded guess on what kind of ‘home’ John meant and he wasn’t sure about it but he held John’s hand as gently as he could. He wasn’t even thinking about what he was saying. He just did. “Would it surprise you if I said that I already am home?”

They didn’t even make it outside of school and John already pulled his hand away, carefully guiding Alexander’s hand to his face. “You clenched your fists too hard.”

“Perhaps,” Alexander said, pulling his hand away abruptly. “A habit.”

John took Alexander’s hand back to his face. He leaned in slightly, gently pecking the fresh new wound with his lips. “All better.”

“I’m not a child,” Alexander snorted, trying not to blush.

John shrugged. “I don’t know why I did that either.”

Alexander stared at their linked hands as they walked home and thought that this whole situation was so fucking unfair.

* * *

“You’re staring at your hand,” Lafayette said.

Alexander looked up, bewildered. “Yes?”

Lafayette rolled his eyes. “I mean if you’re that bored of Scream then we can watch Riverdale.”

“Lili is a queerbaiting girl,” Alexander scowled. “And KJ is just fat shamer. Why?”

“La La Land?”

“Mediocre.”

“Death Note?”

“White washed.”

“The Devil Wears Prada?”

“Lost her job for a man with no balls.”

“Shutter?”

“It’s—-”

“The thai version.”

“Bring it.”

They sat as the familiar movie just unveiled itself in front of them. Mulligan was out finishing a wedding gown for a client and John was trying to get in a pinch of workout in before he had to drown himself in work and coffee yet again. Alexander would have offered his company but he wasn’t in the mood to sweat.

Lafayette was supposed to have a schedulec one night stand but he cancelled just because he didn’t really feel like doing anything physical. When Alexander heard this he immediately knew why they were both friends.

“This is so good,” Lafayette said, chewing on his cheetos.

Alexander eyed him with slight judgement. “Which one?”

Lafayette gave him a light glare before watching again. “I’d be sassy but both this bowl of calories and this movie is awesome.”

“Whatever.”

“Don’t try to act all high and healthy just because you’re dating Laurens.” Lafayette snorted.

Alexander’s heart skipped a beat. “You’re such a comedian.”

“But why not?” Lafayette said. “It’s not like Laurens is a bad choice.”

He isn’t.

John isn’t even a choice, he’s more of a decision; A decision in which Alexander isn’t sure whether or not it’s stupid,

“He’s not,” Alexander nodded, applauding himself for keeping calm. “I would honestly date him if I could.”

“If you could?”

“If I could,” Alexander finished, not wanting to give more information than necessary.

“Don’t lie to me,” Lafayette said. “You’ve pictured yourself together haven’t you? Because same.”

“I mean I do picture myself with a lot of people.” _More so with John._

“So tell me what you pictured and I’ll tell you mine with Mulligan,” Lafayette grinned. “And don’t worry you can make it as cheesy as you want.”

Alexander blushed. “John is very warm and homey so I’ve always pictured just like blankets and forts and maybe I could hear him talking about his day and I just feel like I could listen to him ramble about anything and it won’t even matter how much time is slipping because it’s just us. I see him falling asleep when I play with his hair and I’m jealous of how he falls asleep so easily while I need an hour because of my thoughts. I’m kinda disgusted with how he always drools in his sleep but I also kinda find it cute because it looks so childish and I battle my own troubled thoughts by counting the breaths he takes and then matching his breathing with my own I...there’s that.”

Lafayette stared at him blankly. “And here I was going to tell you about my hot chandelier sex with Mulligan.”

* * *

**A/N: Extra scene as an apology for shit posting and because I thought it was cute**

“He said _what_?” John said, pulling on his hair.

Lafayette nodded, flipping a page of his magazine. “And he was blushing.”

“And he was _what_?” John said, voice louder and more like a dying cat. “Oh my god please someone stab me.”

“I would but you still have to make his fantasy happen,” Lafayette snorted.

John lied down on floor, face flat on the carpet. “Laf oh my god my chest hurts so bad. Why’d he fucking say that?”

“Beats me,” Lafayette shrugged. “I’m just surprised that he didn’t come up with a more sexual fantasy really.”

“He doesn’t even just want me for sex,” John whined, voice high pitched. “He just wanted to cuddle fuck me I can’t do this. This is the best day of my life.”

“Goodness’ sake, Laurens,” Lafayette laughed. “Keep yourself together.”

“Trying,” the man replied.

“Imagine that though.”

“Imagine what?”

“He’s someone who is in love with his own thoughts and voice and he’d do anything just to talk endlessly but he’d go quiet and shut up when it’s you talking. He listens to you and hangs onto every word you say even if you’re talking about the most uninteresting thing in the universe.”

A whine.

“But, John, he already does that. It’s not a fantasy.”

A louder high pitched and pained whine.

* * *

“You’re staring, Alexander said, back still towards him as he relentlessly typed on his laptop.

John shrugged. “Just admiring.”

A pause in typing. Resumed. “Come off it.”

“Lunch.”

“I’m just finishing this for my blog, we’ll go out to eat in a few minutes,” Alexander said. “I promise just let me....”

He heard John sigh and stand up, some sounds made him know that John was micro-organizing his apartment. It was somewhat Alexander’s fault as to why John had a cluttered apartment. He may have bought a lot of books during their domestic life streak (when did even end though) but he is not sorry at all.

A “few minutes” later John placed a bowl of salad beside his laptop. He glared at it because how dare it shame him for having that bag of cheetos with Lafayette. It was a cheat day. Anyway, at the back of his mind, he also had to eat this salad because John likes salads and Alexander also likes salad and because basically he just had to make John happy by eating.

The salad had chicken in it and small bits of cheese which was his favorite thing to find in a salad other than that vietnamese salad that had prawns and mangoes in it. He managed to remind himself to eat every five minutes or so and that’s basically the fastest he can eat while being able to continue his writing.

He feels his head twitch at the sound of notifications and John releasing a breathy laugh every now and then so he opened their groupchat because he knew that that was what it was.

 

**TO THE REVOLUTION!! ******

****

******Jem’ apple Lafashit** : you wound me with my group chat name and it’s je m’appelle** **

****

******Brapp Brapp** : You named yourself, Lafashit** **

****

******The fucking sun from the teletubbies** : Jesus. Who named me?? The ‘freckled warrior’ was better. Why??** **

****

******Jem’ apple Lafashit** : Me and because you are the fucking sun from the teletubbies always smiling and shit** **

****

******Brapp Brapp** : You just want him in bed. Your libido has no end, even going as far as to remove our young freckled boy’s purity.** **

****

******Jem’ apple Lafashit** : First of all, va te faire foutre. Second of all, freckles MEANS happiness and sunlight rainbows** **

****

******The fucking sun from the teletubbies changed his name to ‘freckled warrior’** ** **

****

******Jem’ apple Lafashit changed ‘freckled warrior’ to ‘The fucking sun from the teletubbies’** ** **

****

******The fucking sun from the teletubbies:** WHY THE SUN??** **

****

******Brapp Brapp** : Lafashit wants you to call him ‘daddy’** **

****

******Brapp Brapp** : SHIT. wait** **

****

******Brapp Brapp** : No** **

****

******Brapp Brapp** : Day-dy** **

****

******Jem’ apple Lafashit left the group** ** **

****

******The fucking sun from the teletubbies left the group** ** **

****

******Brapp Brapp added ‘Jem’ apple Lafashit’ and ‘The fucking sun from the teletubbies’ in the group** ** **

****

****Alexander could not help but smile a bit his friends’ childishness and ability to make bad jokes.** **

****

******Alex Hamillionfucksaregiven** : Are you quite done, children?** **

****

******Jem’ apple Lafashit** : As long as you stop writing** **

****

******Alex Hamillionfucksaregiven** : I am not writing** **

****

******The fucking sun from the teletubbies sent a photo** ** **

****

******Alex Hamillionfucksaregiven** : Pure and utter betrayal** **

****

Alexander turned around to give John a light glare but it faded into a smile when he caught John laughing. He turned back to his laptop, fingers impulsively opening a new document. His fingers froze. What should he type? He tried to type but it all came out as rambling and it never made any sense so here he was in a cycle of typing and re-typing until his vision was starting to go dark. Did he not have coffee this morning? He was supposed to be tired.

 

  
The marks on his face are merely star light freckles and, much like the three wise men who were guided to their saviour, I was led to mine. I could write poetry, endless sonnets and endless verses on his eyes alone. This man deserves more than what my limited vocabulary can offer. There is too much to say, how do I summarize sequels and prequels of emotions I have shoved down in order to save what I have with him. I am completely enamored by this saviour of mine, the saviour who lured me out of the dark trenches of my soul. Joh....;;;.;,dssddf;

 

 

 

The next morning Eliza all but pinned him on the wall as soon as he set foot in the school. “Eliza...what?”

Her eyes seemed to be fiery. “Maria will eat lunch at the cafeteria today.”

“So?”

“You promised!” She whined.

“I know but—-” he was cut off by a vibration from his phone.

 

From: Sunspots   
Hey I have to talk to you about something. Meet me at the caf? :)

 

John and him did not get a chance to see each other before they left because John had a morning class while Alexander had an afternoon class. It seems as if he can hit two birds with one stone today and flirt with a girl for Eliza then also eat lunch with John.

“Will you?” Eliza said, sort of reminding Alexander of a kicked puppy.

“Yes, alright,” Alexander groaned.

“I love you.”

“Yes and I reciprocate the feeling.”

The moment he enters the cafeteria he immediately spots Maria wearing a yellow dress and for a moment he kinda thought it was Peggy but Peggy was still drowning in sorrow so it’s not her. He took a breath and walked towards her with all the fucking charisma he could manage. He can do this, he can so gets tits for Eliza.

“Hey,” Alexander said.

Maria turned around, a surprised yet curious look on her face. “Um...hey. Can I help you?”

“So I hope this isn’t weird but my friend is really interested in you,” Alexander said.

Maria grinned. “And they thought it would be good to send you to ask me out in the school cafeteria of all places?”

“Pretty much so,” Alexander chuckled. “She all but pinned me down and _politely_ asked me to do this.”

“Oh...she,” she said, a mischievous smile playing on her lips. “Does _she_ have a name?”

“Well of course it is a child’s right to have a na—-anyway sorry,” Alexander said, stopping himself from being an absolute smartass. “Eliza.”

“Eliza,” she said as if she was testing it out. “I like it. Tell me one flaw of hers.”

“A flaw?” Alexander said, unsure. “Or an asset.”

“A flaw,” Maria repeated. “I’m pretty sure everyone’s a great person anyway I just want to hear a flaw.”

“How unexpected,” Alexander laughed. “She’s just too nice for her own good.”

“I like that evasive answer,” she said, amused.

“Well, I don’t know? She steals your food?”

Maria snorted. She proceeded to take out a pen and paper from her backpack and wrote down her details. “An intolerable flaw indeed. If this _Eliza_ wants to grab a cup of coffee sometimes then she can just give me a call.”

“I’m pretty sure with all the time she’s been talking about how you look good in red there won’t ever be a chance of her passing up on this,” Alexander winked.

A laugh. “I’ll see her soon.”

Alexander nodded before heading towards John’s table. He looked somewhat tired but maybe it was because of his morning class so he didn’t bother to ask about it anymore. He tapped the pocket where the piece of paper was just to make sure it was safe there. “You wanted to meet me?”

You need to eat.” Alexander crinkled nose in disgust as John pushed a bowl of yoghurt towards him. “

Alexander snorted. “And here I thought it was something more important than this healthy hell.”

John let out a weak laugh. “Yeah.”

Alexander stared at him. “You’re upset. Why?”

“What do you mean?” John asked, evading. He stared at his own bowl of yoghurt as if waiting for a cue to eat it.

“You seem upset,” Alexander frowned. “Is something wrong?”

John gave him a small smile, hand reaching out to tug on Alexander’s hair. “I’m just tired. You worry too much, I’m touched.”

Alexander is marginally upset that John was lying about not feeling upset but also kind of giddy with just this small contact between them. He decided that whatever was bothering John wasn’t for him to know and if that bothered him then it’s fine as long as John feels like hiding it from him will solve it but some part of him wished they’d talk about this kind of stuff more...whatever it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this! I don't know why I didn't post this since this chapter was already written and in stock oh woops.  
>  **During this 'hiatus' I managed to write a separate LAMS story about LDR and I was wondering if you'd like to see that?**


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